Status Updates From Actually, It Is Your Parent...

Lisa had
not only internalized her torment, she had also internalized
her tormentors. That is, there was an unconscious part of
Lisa's personality that was bullying, just as there was a part
that was dismissive. S

Lisa's mom greeted her with, "You went that far to
lose?" And though she could rationally see her accomplishments, her brains, and her beauty, Lisa unconsciously felt like
a loser.

If that childhood of
ours was marked by
mostly negative
feeling states being
passed back and forth
between us and one
or both parents, we'll
go on seeking those
lousy feeling states
all over again.

They're
essentially running from one relationship to the next
—
without
wondering
what
it
is within
themselves
that contributed
to
the divorce
—
and
they
often
end up marrying
the new person. But it's a pretty safe bet that they've just attached themselves to a person with the same personality characteristics
that, when joined to their own, will produce the same problems they've just walked away fro

that's why the silent treatment is so effective in
wounding someone you're upset with: in the absence of information, the mind has a way of jumping to the worst possible conclusion and adding to your misery. C

repetitive behavior patterns are by-products
of personality, and therefore can tell you a great deal about
the person who possesses them.

Unfortunately, that bad stuff will still indirectly bother
you. That's why the child who has long forgotten his father's
angry shushing grows into an adult who can't stand loud
noises: the noises themselves aren't the problem, it's the re- pressed memory of the father's anger that causes the discom-
fort

thanks to internalized behavior, the things we
swear we'll never do are very often precisely the things we do

On a far more serious—and more depressing—note, there is plenty of evidence that the worst behaviors of parents are also
often internalized and repeated by their offspring

Tell a kid like Jeff that he's the stupidest kid in (insert
name of town, here) enough times, and he'll believe it. He'll
become every bit as self-critical as you've been critical of him.
In other words, he'll internalize the experience of being told
that he's stupid. Internalization is the process by which we ab-
sorb and take inside ourselves aspects of our external environ-
ments. Such as a parent's constant

Conversely, if a parent treats a child as though the
child is stupid or "useless," the child will grow up feeling stupid
and useless, no matter how successful he or she might be
in school or in other activities.

If a parent treats a child in a way
that shows the child is special and important then
—presto!—
the child comes to experience him or herself as special and
important.

the key to a child's personality development is found in
the personality of the parent: in other words, it isn't just what
a parent does for a child that shapes that child's personality,
it's the way a parent does it.

A romantic
relationship grows
and changes over
time, from the
honeymoon stage of
"She's the perfect
woman!" to the
inevitable stage of
"Has he always been
this annoying?