Status Updates From The Monks of Appalling Drea...

"The curtain rose again to reveal the four members of BoyStarz, Britain’s seventeenth Most Popular Boy Band."

Out of fifteen.

“By the powers vested in us,” said the First Monk, “in accordance with the Doomsday Prophecies, the Chthonic Concordat, and any and all Infernal Dictats and Transdimensional Laws passed or yet to be passed, you, Sir Magnific the Outstanding, have been sentenced to death. Sign here, please.”

I've been giggling like a toddler since I began the book. The footnotes have are f*cking sending me every time lmao.

‘I am now,’ said Samuel Johnson, for it was indeed he beneath a cape and a battered hat, ‘sawing my lovely assistant Maria in half.’
Back and forth went the saw. ‘Ouch,’ went Maria.

The Second Monk consulted a small journal. Embossed on the cover were the words Your First Assassination Notebook, and an illustration of a unicorn pooing a rainbow.

A helmet landed at Peasant’s feet, smoking gently. It had once belonged to a guard named Horace. Peasant knew this because Horace’s head was still in the helmet, looking surprised.

‘You are free,’ said Sir Magnific the Outstanding to Peasant and the other assorted peasants. ‘You are no longer condemned to a life of servitude. Go, and be happy.’
‘Go where?’ said Peasant. He liked it here, or had until Sir Magnific arrived and began setting fire to stuff.

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