Florence Salmon > Recent Status Updates

My favourite characters in fiction will forever be the mother with absolutely no maternal instincts whatsoever. Just shitting out kids and dunking on them, those awful small things. Addie Bundren and Elmira Johnson, you are so close to my heart.

In Fort Worth straight up reading it. And by ‘it’. Haha. Well. Let’s justr say. My Miltonic verse.

JOHN MARSTONNNNN

I have been informed that my edition of this book is worth thirty pounds. It is signed on the front cover by Neil Badminton, so that makes it worth at least another thirty. If I sign it, how much value will it lose?
A) £5
B) £30
C) £1000, and my refrigerator will get repo’d to make up the debt.

Every time I read a story about marriage, whether that marriage is portrayed as good or bad, I have the overwhelming urge to get shot. Surely there is no worse fate than marriage. And I am right because I have learned everything. Institutional SCAM.

Your daughter is killed and then you liken her to a fish? Yeah, I’m familiar with this technique. Classic case of Faulkner theft, we’ve all been there done that.

Milton pauses the narrative a few times every book to monologue about how much he hates Kind Charles II / the Catholics / the Republicans, because they ain’t running the country like he would (chastity belts for one and all). And also to tell the reader that aliens live on the moon? Aye fella, whatever you say.

‘Marry the Prince of Darkness’ is a real line in this real Penguin Modern Classics printed book. Angela Carter is a pioneer of TikTok dark romance dinner parties where millennial women pay men to put masks on and choke them over the cheese fondu. I am not woke enough for this I don’t think.

The love interest is called Jewel. I have ten boyfriends and they’re all called Jewel. Contact me if you want to be a part of my William Faulkner polycule.

Spend a truly evil amount of money to purchase the illustrated folio society edition of this book and I would very much like to be put in the coffin with it. Everyday I thank God that James Franco’s movie adaptation of it was abandoned.

OH MY GOD ANSE IS HERE EVERYDAY WE GET CLOSER TO JEWEL’S RETURN

Oh my god now my 300lb princess Peabody is here this is like Endgame but for beautiful girls who are psychotic about Jewel Bundren

Nancy mention let’s go 🔥🔥🔥 who up marrying a fella called Jesus

I went to Singleton and everyone there knew you.

Exactly one short story in and I already feel like Ceasar weeping at the sight of Alexander's statue. Lupus, get her ass again.

How will the atomic annihilation of the entire globe effect the Pogo stick market? How about the fibreglass fishing rod economy? There's a reason no one has reprinted Shute since the turn of the millenium.

RAF pilots do it on the wing

Why I Want To Fuck Ronald Regan mention, everybody stay calm.

UNCLE LORNE?!? Who up getting green and burped in the kareoke bar?

'I gave him the sounding-rod and lay down again, trying to think of various things - but I thought only of the pumps... we pumped all the four hours. We pumped all night, all day, all the week. She was working herself loose, and leaked bady - not enough to drown us at once, but enough to kill is with the work at the pumps.'
Conrad, buddy, what are we talking about here. You wanna try a second draft, or...?

Exams DESTROYED, apps REDOWNLOADED, books CONSUMED, films LOGGED. Freedom is restored to me, at long last, and I have so many pages to read and reels to watch. Thank you all for supporting me through these tough times. But fuck you, Alex Garland. This novel sucks.

McCullers just invented turd in the twink chamber fifty years before anyone else could even conceptualise it.

When I die of vanity, promise me you'll get Harlan Ellison to write my eulogy.

'They were close against each other. She felt him trembling and her fists were tight enough to crack. 'Oh, God,' he kept saying over and over. It was like her head was broke off from her body and thrown away. And here eyes looked up straight up to the blinding sun while she counted something in her mind. And then this was the way.
This was how it was.'
Carson McCullers. You get me so demented style. I just !!

Inviting all my neighbours to a christmas party so I can mansplain Marxist theory. 'B-b-but Zack Polanski wants to steal my house-' Cousin Chris, you are tonight's big loser. Go ahead and step into my sloppy vat of french onion soup.

Soooo... does Singer have grey eyes or green eyes..? Carson, girl, fire your editor, they don't know diddly squat about continuity errors...

'In those days, Florence hated all men.' James Baldwin actually wrote this book about me, shit's getting too specific to my life now,,, having freaky gay sex with Marlon Brando gives you psychic mind powers, apparently.

'Mountain is the book I had to write if I was ever going to write anything else. I had to deal with what hurt me most. I had to deal with my father.' TURN IT UP TWIN, TS ABOUT TO GET FIVE STARS!! #IHateMyFather #MatthewPleasePassAway

This is a second-hand copy, and the previous owner has... taken a bite..? Out of this page..? Teeth marks and all.

Crying at kareoke? Yeah, I'm familiar. Hit Something On, bossman, and pass the whiskey n' cig, the narrative is getting haunted tonight.