average human’s Reviews > Expecto Patronum > Status Update

It started simply enough. Harmless graffiti and stink pellets flung at Umbridge’s back at every turn courtesy of Peeves, who had apparently bonded with Susan back in her second year.

Harry and Susan took shifts beneath his cloak to follow her around and charm her hair a sparkling pink.

Then it escalated a bit as Fred and George decided to prove that they were better pranksters than Harry and Susan were.

The two of them set about the castle getting most of the portraits to agree to belch loudly every time that Umbridge passed them— which had driven Umbridge to actually rip a painting of an old warlock off the wall and chuck it down the staircase.

Susan grinned at Fred when they witnessed this fit of rage and mouthed ‘game on’.

Harry was bemused as Susan gave him specific instructions that night, but he obediently repeated them to the tiny army of snakes that they conjured.

”Find the woman that looks like a toad,” he hissed at the snakes. ”Don’t let her sleep.”

Umbridge had looked both exhausted and terrified as she twitched at every hiss Harry subtly made near her the next day. Umbridge had given Harry a look of suspicion, but he just smiled blandly and congratulated her once more on her promotion.

Fred and George levitated nifflers in to the Defense Classroom, smiling in satisfaction at the utter destruction.

Theo and Hermione had to step in as Harry questioned if the Skrewts were still in the Forbidden Forest and what the likelihood of them doing him another favor was.

The war between the twins and Harry and Susan, with Umbridge as the sole target of their rages, continued to the point that the other inhabitants of the castle were no longer phased by the oddities that surrounded them.

Professor Flitwick patiently taught all his students the Bubblehead Charm when a swamp Fred and George designed filled the defense corridor with horrible smells.

Professor Sprout cheerfully showcased how to keep bowtruckles from destroying the students’ belongings when an infestation of them were set loose in the castle.

Tonks had elevated herself in Harry and Susan’s eyes when she spent a good part of her day strutting around, disguised like Umbridge, declaring her romantic love for Dumbledore.

Apparently it had been George’s idea, but Harry quickly reminded Tonks that she was his cousin and couldn’t be helping the competition out-prank him.

Even McGonagall seemed indifferent to the utter chaos of Hogwarts. At one point, early on in the war, she sighed wistfully and mentioned to Harry that it sure was a shame that Sirius and Remus weren’t here, as she was certain they would have some brilliant ideas on how to prank someone. Then, in a moment that Harry still isn’t sure if he imagined or not, McGonagall patted Harry on the cheek fondly and gave Slytherin twenty points because ‘his hair was brushed neatly’. Which, Draco was quick to point out as soon as McGonagall walked away, it absolutely was not.

Snape had curled his lip at the book Sirius sent Harry, ‘The Marauders Guide to Marauding’, but Harry had casually mentioned how Umbridge insulted Luna, probably hurting her feelings, and suddenly Snape was much more amendable to looking the other way. In fact, he had even supplied Harry with the ingredients he needed for Marauders Prank #412: Uncloggable Toilets.

Harry wasn’t sure if Sirius and Lupin expected the book back or not, but as he read over the various notes signed with ‘JP’, he decided that he was absolutely keeping it forever.

But all of that was before Susan learned that Fred and George’s joke shop pranks were the perfect piece to her puzzle of revenge that she needed.

“How did you come up with this?” she asked happily as the four of them watched animal shaped fireworks bounce off every wall in the Great Hall before breakfast one morning.

“We just thought of what could cause the most chaos in a confined space—“

“Essentially tried to make a magical version of Harry.“

“—and wound up with these,” George said with a proud smile. “Let’s slip out so they don’t escape until breakfast.”

It was worth waking up before the sun had risen to see Umbridge’s already harried expression get that much more exasperated when the doors to the Great Hall were thrown open and fireworks exploded in her face before careening down the corridors.

Umbridge didn’t scream, but she looked close to it.

“When I find out who is behind this, there will be consequences,” she hissed to the surrounding group of giggling students.

“I imagine it was someone rather stupid, ma’am,” Susan said with a polite smile. “Excuse us.” She kept her arm secured tightly over Luna’s shoulder as she made her way past Umbridge, Harry and the others following behind her.

“You lot are terrifying,” Neville said admirably once they were all seated in their usual place.

“That’s nothing,” Susan said. “Wait until you see what Harry’s done to her office.”

“You reckon you guys can get her to quit?” Ron asked quietly as Umbridge was raging at the other professors to ‘handle the situation’.

As if any one of the professors had the ability to control the level of reckless and absolute chaos that the Weasley Twins, Susan Bones, and Harry Potter were unleashing on the Headmistress.

Minerva was privately quite pleased with it all. She had once had a nightmare imagining what terrible mischief the son of the mischievous James Potter, godson of the charming Sirius Black, and child of the cunning Severus Snape could do when partnered with the brilliant Frederick Weasley. This transcended all her worst imaginings, but certainly in the most entertaining way possible.

She imagined that James was smiling down from the heavens at his son just as Severus smirked with approval at each new level of unlocked chaos.

“One week of pranks won’t get that toad to give up her power,” Hermione said with a dark look up at the Head Table on her typically friendly face.

“Two weeks then?” Fred asked casually.

Luna hummed and plucked a stray bit of ember out of Harry’s hair. “She’ll be gone within a month,” she said confidently.

It was a pleasant thought, one that brought Harry almost as much joy as did Umbridge’s fury during their defense lesson that day.

“Whatever student vandalized my office is going to sorely, sorely, regret it,” she yelled at them all.

The exhausted bags under her eyes undercut her fury quite a bit, in Harry’s opinion.

“Oh no, what happened Headmistress?” Blaise asked in a way that sounded almost concerned if you didn’t know him well enough.

“Nevermind that,” Umbridge snapped. “Open your textbooks to page 310 and start reading.”

Harry scrawled a quick note to Blaise, sliding it surreptitiously beneath the desk to him.

Blaise had to fight down a laugh as he read Harry’s note.

Replaced all her kitten pictures with toads.

Chapter End Notes

Up Next:
Trent Bailey might worship the ground Harry walks on, but he doesn’t care for Umbridge one bit.
Also titled: Trent Bailey’s Detention