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Arthur Graham is on page 93 of 121

Me and Virgil cruised the mini-marts in a hundred-mile radius in his beaten-up jeep, looking for the one magical gas station that might still have Surge soda. (This was after the supply had run out, but long before they briefly rebooted it.) That fully-loaded citrus elixir, a magic mix of caffeine and terror, propelled me through life for years before suddenly vanishing from most stores.

— 18 hours, 14 min ago

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Arthur Graham is on page 88 of 121

Peggy was just a friend, and despite telling me “we’re just friends and I’d never fuck you” like six times an hour for our entire friendship, she wrote me a giant letter ten years later saying she totally wanted to fuck me and was constantly giving me the green light, and I was a fucking idiot for never picking it up,

— 19 hours, 23 min ago

Arthur Graham is on page 87 of 121

“Get in. There’s a COPS marathon on and I need to get home before I miss another episode.”
“Did they taze anyone yet?”
“Of course they fucking tazed someone. Why do you think I watch it?”

— 19 hours, 29 min ago

Arthur Graham is on page 83 of 121

She told me she was having a topless barbecue and that she was in love with me and I should come over and bring chips. She was completely drunk, and I’m obviously stupid, so with little hesitation, I bought a bag of Ruffles and a bag of Doritos, because I didn’t know what kind of party this would be.

— Jan 17, 2026 08:23AM

Arthur Graham is on page 80 of 121

It would almost be cool if it wasn’t.

— Jan 17, 2026 08:18AM

Arthur Graham is on page 60 of 121

The woman next to me in the theater ate a fried ostrich leg she snuck in from the Ost-Fil-A restaurant, a new restaurant that served the biggest chunks of deep-fried flightless bird flesh imaginable to the pro-Jesus, anti-gay crowd imaginable. (Not to be confused with Osto-Fil-A, which is a pro-Jesus store for fetishists who ate from colostomy bags.)

— Jan 16, 2026 06:45AM

Arthur Graham is on page 59 of 121

Hour four of the Quentin Tarantino remake of Citizen Kane, and I prayed to God, Allah, and Satan they would have some kind of Gone With the Wind-style intermission so I could take a dump. I accidentally drank a colonoscopy prep phosopho-soda laxative with my chili-dog during the trailers, and the rumbling in my guts told me I was almost out of time.

— Jan 12, 2026 06:25PM

Arthur Graham is on page 57 of 121

Dumb story ideas that didn’t make it

— Jan 11, 2026 09:13AM

Arthur Graham is on page 50 of 121

Live Fast, Eat Ass

— Jan 07, 2026 01:21PM

Arthur Graham is on page 32 of 121

The transmission was a spoken-word experimental jazz bit where a trance DJ from Wales sampled all of Jack Kervorkian’s speeches and cut-pasted the words so he was reading the Heaven’s Gate cult’s suicide notes, with David Koresh’s heavy metal blues jam guitar looping in the background. It was like the triple crown of Nineties snuff suicide rock and roll revolution.

— Jan 06, 2026 06:05AM

Arthur Graham is on page 26 of 121

He wanted to patent a combination EpiPen and Narcan injector, for people who overdose on heroin that contains trace amounts of peanut products.

— Jan 06, 2026 05:57AM