Pearl E’s Reviews > Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow > Status Update

Mny couples will stay married and sexually faithful long after their hearts have strayed far apart. Intimacy thrives when our desire for connection matches our willingness to contront the patterns that get in the way of it.

These are the moments in life when a deep, often sudden recognition rings within us—that we are alive and connected to something vast. Maybe it's a conversation with a friend that stirs a knowing deep within you, a powerful piece of music that resonates so strongly it brings tears, or standing in awe before the vastness of a breathtaking landscape.

What I learned in my clinical training, however, is that narcissism is not a fullness of self, but a profound absence of self. In this sense, we all have some measure of narcissism within us?

Reflect on how you approach or shy away from relational tension.
Do you rush in with certainty, convinced that you already know the other person's motivations? Does conflict make you anxious, leading you to avoid it at all costs? Do you wait for someone to strike first and then fight dirty from a place of victimization?

In his romantic relationships, Peter gravitated toward strong, muscular men. The more masculine the partner, the more secure he felt in all areas of his life. His identity, once marked by vulnerability, was now mirrored to him by the strength and admiration of the man at his side.

Another helpful practice is synchronized breathing with your part-ner. By matching your breathing patterns, you create a rhythm that fosters unity and body connection right from the start. This synchronicity not only demotes anxiety but also promotes shared pleasure and emotional closeness.

What we need the most amid personal challenges is hospitality. We often believe that personal change will come through persistence-by pushing harder, seeking insights, and doing more. But often, that persistence is actually leading us further away from the core issues we need to address. Outsourcing our needs to others and relying on willpower are tenuous solutions.

A key step in moving Wholeness is developing a story bank of traumas you've experi enced. The process of recalling these adverse childhood experiences will be different for each of us. Some people have vivid flashes of memories etched into their minds.

For those who need to hear it: A desire for mastery can be a trauma response. Rather than cultivating systems to sidestep painful beliefs, we should focus on developing systems that allow us to grieve and befriend our inner pain. When we seek wholeness, we realize that the opposite of shame isn't mastery or shamelessness, but vulnerability.

When desire becomes entwined with trauma, the very experience of pleasure itself becomes tainted. Brittany's experience of yearning for connection and sexual pleasure offers a heartbreaking example. The possibility of experiencing goodness creates deep ambivalence: We crave pleasure, yet fear it will set us up for heartache.