Caleb Tate’s Reviews > Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow > Status Update

“Anger itself is not inherently destructive; it is a natural and necessary
emotion for all of us. Even within relationships, research shows that
anger is not a predictor of negative outcomes, unless it can be classified
as contempt or criticism.”

“focus on divorcing yourself from the unhealthy patterns, not the person”

Disruptions and conflict in marriage is the sign that marriage is working. It’s designed to offer opportunity for growth and change while also offering the opportunity to grow in intimacy despite marital issues

As we choose growth, we will come to terms with our own frailty. This leads to grief naturally. When the false self dies, grief follows and allows for deeper longings to grow in us

Awe and beauty not only helps grow self, it grows desire.

The process of differentiation is learning to have intimacy with oneself. Differentiation shows greater levels of intimacy and ability to stay present in conflict.

Differentiation reveals greater confidence. Studies show a significantly higher rate for relational satisfaction.

“When we develop a strong
sense of self, we can enjoy solitude without feeling lonely or relying on
unhealthy coping mechanisms.”

Emotional and relational maturity is similar to physical maturity. As an infant you are dependent on a caregiver for every need, but maturity means seeking healthy ways to meet your needs. The same is for your emotional and relational life.
This is the concept of differentiation. Learning to have a strong sense of self and have the ability to make choices to meet needs and have our needs met by others.

Growth mindset requires healthy practices of self-attunement in the midst of deregulating emotions, self-care that is focused on cultivating rest rather than self-punishment. This is known as interoception— the awareness of your bodily sensations.

Awareness
Label
Acceptance
Reframe
Move

“What we need the most amid personal challenges is hospitality. We often believe that personal change will come through ­persistence by pushing harder, seeking insights, and doing more. But often, that persistence is actually leading us further away from the core issues we
need to address.”

When crisis inevitably occurs, personal growth is avoided when we commit ourselves to self-mastery, resignation, and external validation.

“We study the past not to find excuses for who we are, but because we want to grow into the healthiest, most authentic version of
ourselves as an adult.”