Zana’s Reviews > The Iliad > Status Update

“Achilles served the meat and sat to face godlike Odysseus...”

Glazing Odysseus to the point where he got his own spin-off

To make up for stealing Achilles's woman, Agamemnon will give him:

7 new tripods
10 lbs gold
20 bright cauldrons
12 racehorses
7 women from Lesbos (Achilles destroyed their home????)
The woman that Agamemnon stole and which he swears “that I have never gone to bed with her as is the normal way for men and women.”
Loot from Priam
20 Trojan women who aren't as hot as Helen
One of his daughters to marry
7 towns

“...You got the special status of the scepter, but not the greatest power, which is courage. Fool, do you really think the sons of Greece are craven cowards, as you say they are? If you are eager to go home, then go! Your path lies open. You have many ships beached by the sea, brought out here from Mycenae. We other long-haired warriors will stay until we have annihilated Troy....”

This Agamemnon roast!!

“My good friend Teucer, lord commander, shoot on like that, and you will be a light for all the Greeks, and Telamon your father, who cared for you when you were just a baby and nurtured you and raised you in his house, although you were an illegitimate son....”

I know he's stating a fact but this sounds like an unintentional diss lol

‘“At dawn, Idaeus must go down to the hollow ships and tell the sons of Atreus the words of Paris, the man who is the cause of this whole conflict. And let him make this sensible suggestion— to please delay the dreadful noise of war until we burn the corpses.”’

Intentional diss???

‘But Agamemnon ran up and scolded him.

“Soft Menelaus! ...Let none of them escape the massacre dealt by our deadly hands, not even one! Even the little babies not yet born, whose mothers carry them inside their bellies, will not escape. All males alive in Troy will die, obliterated all at once, with no one left to care for them.”’

👁️👄👁️

“First Telamonian Ajax, like a rampart protecting the Greek troops, broke through the line of Trojans, bringing light to his companions. He struck the finest of the Thracian fighters, the son of Eussorus, strong Acamas. He hit the crest-piece of his horsehair plume. The bronze tip stabbed between his eyes and pierced into his skull, and darkness veiled his sight.”

Good morning to everyone but Agamemnon's men

“Aeneas, lord of men, would certainly have died right then and there, had not his mother Aphrodite noticed....

She threw her white arms round him and embraced him and wrapped him up inside her glimmering dress to keep him safe from weapons, so no Greek would gallop up and hurl a spear of bronze to pierce his chest and take his life away. She took her darling son away from battle.”

This really is a D and D campaign

‘“Nestor, old soldier, how I wish your strength of body could still match your vigorous mind. But age, the equalizer, wears you down. I wish some other man was weak like you, and you could still take part with younger men.”’

???????

‘“Do not give up or lose your ardent courage! Our father Zeus will surely not provide help for those liars who were first to break the sacred oaths! The vultures will devour their delicate soft flesh and we shall take their little children and their darling wives home in our ships once we have sacked their town.”’

Okay colonizer