Zana’s Reviews > The Iliad > Status Update

“At this, a black cloud of despair engulfed Achilles. With both hands he scooped up fistfuls of soot and dust and poured it on his head, and rubbed the dirt across his handsome face. Black ashes settled on his scented tunic. He stretched his whole long body in the dust and lay there. With both hands, he tore his hair.”

I mean who told Patroclus to wear Achilles's armor and go ham on the Trojans???

“Hector, what other Greek will scare you next? You even ran away from Menelaus, who used to be so soft and weak in war....”

Bro what are these insults lmao

“Patroclus came in close, speared his right jaw and drove the wooden spear shaft through his teeth, to hook and drag him over the chariot rail, as when a man sits on a jutting rock, and hooks a holy fish with shining bronze and fishing line, and drags it from the sea— just so he dragged him from the chariot, mouth gaping round the shining spear, and hurled him face downward on the ground...”

Wtf

“...but now let us enjoy some time in bed. Let us make love. Such strong desire has never suffused my senses or subdued my heart for any goddess or for any woman as I feel now for you. Not even when I lusted for the wife of Ixion, and got her pregnant with Pirithous, a councillor as wise as any god. Not even when I wanted Danae, the daughter of Acrisius, a woman with pretty ankles...”

Fuckboy final boss

“Meanwhile, Hera quickly came up to the peak of Ida—Gargaron. And Zeus who gathers clouds together saw her, and at the sight of her, desire enfolded his cunning mind, as when they first made love and went to bed together secretly, so that their loving parents would not know.”

How many incest books can I read in one year challenge

“Do you not remember when I hung you in the sky and clipped two anvils to your feet, and bound a golden chain around your hands and wrists that could not be untied? You dangled there, suspended in the air amid the clouds. All of the other gods on Mount Olympus stood round appalled but could not set you free.”

Zeus did WHAT to his sister wife???

‘“...There is no shame in fleeing from disaster, even by night. You see, when things go wrong, escape is better than captivity.”

Odysseus, the master strategist, scowled as he answered him. “Lord Agamemnon, what have you said? What words have now escaped out of your mouth and past your fence of teeth? Curse you! I wish you led some other army, a low, dishonorable one, not ours....”’

Get em!!!

“His father, noble Polyidus, had often said that he would either waste away at home and die of painful illness, or sail off, joining the other Greeks who went to Troy, and there be killed. So he chose not to suffer the cruel sickness, which would hurt his heart, and not to have to pay the Greeks’ steep fine. But Paris struck him underneath his ear, below the jaw, and then immediately life left his limbs...”

Oh

“But as Pisander lunged forward, Menelaus stabbed his forehead above his nose, right at the bridge, and broke his skull, and popped his eyeballs out.”

JESUS CHRIST

“As chickpeas or black beans jump off a shovel in some large threshing floor, tossed by the breeze and by the force and effort of the thresher—just so the arrow bounced right off the breastplate of Menelaus, master of the war cry—who struck the hand of Helenus, the one holding the polished bow.”

??????