Terri Cole's Blog

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“That’s the reality of parenting: Every 25 minutes there’s another crisis, and feel like you can’t get through without messing up. It really is that hard, but it gets a little easier when you realize that the only person you can control is yourself.” – Dafna Lender

Intro

If you’ve ever felt like your relationship was falling apart and didn’t know why, this is for you. Therapist Thais Gibson opens up about her own journey and shares the six relationship stages that changed everything. You’ll finally understand why the honeymoon phase ends, what the “Power Struggle” really means, and how vulnerability can heal what feels broken.

You’re not failing—you’re just in a stage that requires different tools. This conversation will give you hope and a clear path forward for the love you deserve.

Highlights:3:25 Thais’s own relationship origin story9:25 The role of the relationship life cycle13:22 The relationship stages you should know about20:00 How to introduce your needs in a relationship24:20 Why the power struggle phase in relationships can be a right of passage, not a sign that something is wrong32:25 The stages that come after the power struggle phase in relationships41:40 Thais’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Thais Gibson

Thais Gibson is a counselor, speaker, and leader in the personal development field. Thais has a Ph.D. and is certified in over 13 modalities, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, NLP, Somatic Processing, and Trauma Work. Her scientific research, personal experience, and compassionate approach led to her founding the Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory. 

Through her academic training and client-based research, Thais has created renowned and inspiring courses for personal development, growth, and relationships. These teachings have been distilled into the in-depth programs, courses, and modules inside of The Personal Development School.

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thepersonaldevelopmentschool/?hl=en

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

If you find yourself overreacting to things that shouldn’t be that big of a deal, if you’re stuck in the same relationship patterns over and over, if you’re exhausted from people pleasing or never feeling like you’re enough, no matter what you achieve, it’s possible that there’s a younger version of you that needs your attention.

I did a survey asking what you want me to talk about, and multiple people wanted me to talk about inner child healing. So that’s what we’re diving into today. And I’ll be honest, I was a complete non-believer in ‘inner child’ work until I became a psychotherapist. Even though I had done plenty of my own therapy, becoming a therapist made it crystal clear to me that inner child work is powerful and effective. And that’s really all I care about: helping you get out of your own way, lessen your own suffering, and elevate your own joy.

https://youtu.be/Cz5leyPdfuw

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Inner Child Work?

Inner child work describes the process of reconnecting with younger parts of yourself that still live within you. Different times of our childhood evolution, especially when something dramatic or traumatic happened, can leave a part of us stuck at that age.

These younger parts of us hold both the beautiful (joy, creativity, playfulness) and the painful (old wounds, fears, unmet needs). It’s a combination. Sometimes we can tap into inner-child work to amplify our creativity or to resurrect activities we loved as kids, and something magical can happen.

If you didn’t feel consistently safe, seen, soothed, or supported in childhood (and most people didn’t), there’s a child within you still waiting for that acknowledgment. They’re still waiting for the attunement you may not have gotten.

The work I want to get you started on today is about tending to and paying attention to the kid within you so that those old wounds stop showing up in your adult relationships, your self-worth, and your ability to set and maintain boundaries. Because when the kid is running the show, we often struggle in these areas.

What Inner Child Work Involves

From a big-picture view, inner child work is about:

Identifying patterns that trace back to childhood, like people pleasing, perfectionism, and fear of abandonmentValidating your own feelings instead of dismissing them (especially if you were dismissed as a child)Reparenting yourself, offering the love, protection, and guidance you may not have consistently receivedReclaiming your joy because the inner child has access to your spontaneity, playfulness, and creativity

Remember, we internalize the voices of important people in our lives. When we talk about having a brutal, critical inner voice, we’ve often internalized someone else’s voice.

Signs Your Inner Child Needs Attention

How do you know if your inner child is calling for your attention? Look for these signals:

Amplified reactions to certain situationsRepeating relationship patterns, the same unhealthy dynamic over and overChronic “not enough” feelings, no matter how much you achieve or earnHigh reactivity around authority, rejection, or abandonmentPeople pleasing or overachieving because you never felt quite good enoughDifficulty setting boundaries without guiltExcessive self-criticismNumbing behaviors like scrolling, nightly wine therapy, or overworkingShame or fear when asking to get your needs met

If you’re nodding your head to any of these, know this: you are not alone. So many of us carry an inner child longing to be seen, heard, and loved.

This is not a flaw. It’s a signal, a loving flare from inside of you saying, “Hey, I need your attention.” What I’m sharing today will help you actively and regularly communicate with your inner child so they don’t have to do something extreme to get your attention.

Why This Work Matters

You can’t out-achieve or out-hustle childhood wounds. You can only heal them by turning toward that younger self with compassion.

This is where re-parenting comes in. It’s about becoming the safe, attuned, and consistent adult you may not have had when you were a kid.

Your worth is not up for negotiation. You were born worthy. You are worthy right now. But if the inner child is holding a story of being “too much” or “not enough,” your adult life can be exhausting, with you constantly hustling to prove yourself or shrinking to be less than you are.

When you do this work, you can free yourself from repeating old relational patterns. You can create the capacity to experience more joy, love, and connection without fear of abandonment as a constant companion. And that’s life-changing.

Practical Steps for Inner Child Healing1. Identify When Your Inner Child Is Activated

Start noticing moments when your reaction feels out of proportion to what’s happening. In that moment, ask yourself:

How old do I feel right now?Does this reaction belong to my current self or to younger me?

This simple pause creates space to recognize the difference between past pain and present reality.

2. Name and Validate Your Inner Child

Give your inner child an identity. You might use a childhood nickname or imagine a photo of yourself at a certain age. I see my five-year-old self with puka beads, a little bathing suit top, cutoff jeans, and sneakers without socks in the summer.

When you feel activated, speak inwardly: “I see you. I hear you. It makes sense that you feel scared. But I’ve got you now.”

This reassurance and validation can be everything. It’s what you needed then, and it’s what can help heal you now.

3. Create a Dialogue

Write letters to your younger self or have a conversation through journaling. Try these prompts:

What do you need from me?What are you afraid of?How can I help you feel safe today?

This turns your relationship with your inner child into a living, breathing practice.

4. Reparent Through Action

Healing often doesn’t just happen by talking about the wound. You need to make different choices in real life.

If your inner child needs safety, set boundaries in your relationshipsIf your inner child needs rest, honor that instead of overriding it with hustleIf your inner child longs for play, schedule time to be creative or just have joy, swing on a swing set, go to the beach, whatever brings you joy5. Practice Consistency

Your inner child may not need perfection. She often needs consistency. Check in regularly, not just during crises.

The more often you show up, the more trust you build inside yourself. When you’re with someone you trust, you can relax. That’s what starts to happen with your inner child: she learns to trust you to take care of both the adult you and little her, and she gets to rest.

Guided Inner Child Visualization

Find a quiet, safe space where you can close your eyes. Take a deep breath in, then slowly exhale.

Bring to mind an image of yourself as a child. It could be you at three, five, seven, whatever age comes naturally. See this younger you standing in front of you. Notice their posture, their expression, their energy.

Imagine kneeling down so you are eye to eye with that little kid. Smile gently. Place one hand on your heart and imagine placing your other hand on their heart.

Say to them: “I see you. I’m here for you. You are safe with me.”

Notice how they respond. Do they soften? Get emotional? Cry? Feel unsure? Everything they feel is okay. Just stay with them, with your hand on your heart and your hand on their heart.

Imagine wrapping them in a warm blanket of light, golden, loving, protective. Tell them: “You don’t have to carry this alone anymore. I’m here, and I won’t leave you.”

Take a deep breath in together as you have your inner child wrapped in this beautiful golden light. Now exhale together.

Allow that younger you to merge back into your heart space, where they will always be safe, seen, heard, and considered.

Take one more deep breath in. Gently release. When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes and come back to this present moment.

Your Invitation This Week

Inner child healing is not a one-and-done process. Think of it as an ongoing relationship, the most important one you’ll ever have.

My invitation to you this week: Notice when you feel triggered and pause. Ask yourself, “How old do I feel right now?” Then respond with compassion, not criticism.

Your inner child doesn’t need to be “fixed” at all. They may just need to be loved by you. That’s it.

Want to go deeper? I’ve created resources and guided practices to support you in this free guide. Everything for this episode is there, including your own copy of the guided visualization.

If you found this helpful, please share it with a friend who might need to hear it. Drop me a comment and let me know what came up for you in the visualization. Were you able to do it? Did you connect with a specific age of your younger self? I’d love to hear from you.

Thank you for spending time with me today and for caring about your inner child. As always, take care of you.

FAQ’s

Q: Why do I overreact to small things in my relationships?

When your reaction feels out of proportion to what’s happening, it’s often because something in the present moment has triggered an old wound from childhood. You might be reacting as your five-year-old or ten-year-old self, not your adult self. This happens when we didn’t feel consistently safe, seen, or supported as kids. The inner child is trying to protect you using strategies that worked in childhood but don’t serve you now. The solution is learning to pause and ask: “How old do I feel right now? Does this reaction belong to my current self or to younger me?”

Q: Why do I keep attracting the same type of unhealthy relationship over and over?

Repeating relationship patterns is one of the clearest signs that your inner child needs attention. We unconsciously recreate familiar dynamics from childhood because part of us is trying to heal those original wounds. It’s like we want a do-over. Until you turn inward with compassion and reparent that younger part of yourself, you’ll likely keep seeking the love, approval, and validation you didn’t get then in all the wrong places now. The pattern breaks when you become the safe, attuned, consistent adult for yourself that you may not have had.

Q: How do I stop being a people pleaser and start setting boundaries?

People-pleasing often stems from never feeling quite good enough in childhood or from learning that your needs didn’t matter. Your inner child is still trying to earn love and safety by being what others need. To break this pattern, you need to reparent yourself by making your inner child feel safe enough to say no. This means actively choosing differently: if your inner child needs safety, you set boundaries even when it feels uncomfortable. Healing happens through action, not just awareness. The more consistently you protect your inner child’s needs, the less you’ll need external validation.

Q: Why am I so critical of myself no matter what I achieve?

That brutal inner critic is often an internalized voice from childhood, someone important in your life whose criticism or high standards you may have absorbed. Your inner child is still trying to be “good enough” for that person. No amount of achievement will quiet that voice because the wound isn’t about your accomplishments, it’s about unmet needs for unconditional acceptance. The work is learning to speak to yourself the way you needed to be spoken to as a child: with validation, compassion, and reassurance. When you consistently show up for your inner child this way, the critical voice loses its power.

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“These younger parts of us hold joy, creativity, playfulness and the old wounds, fears, and unmet needs.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Was love or support inconsistent in your family of origin? Do you ever feel yourself respond emotionally and impulsively to things that make you feel frightened? 

Today, I’m introducing you to your inner child, a part of yourself that holds old wounds and might take over when you feel scared. I’m giving you tips and a visualization exercise that can help you stay in communication with your inner child and offer them love and validation so that they don’t need to act out to get your attention.

Highlights:4:20 Understanding inner child work9:00 Active and regular communication with your inner child12:40 Signs that your inner child is running the show14:00 Why the injuries your inner child is holding matter15:30 Practical ways to help your inner child19:50 A visualization to help you meet your inner childLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“You know you’re in a trauma bonded relationship when the person you are in love with wants power and control over you.” – Dr. Nadine Macaluso

Intro

Are you trapped in a relationship that swings between love and pain? Dr. Nadine Macaluso, survivor of the real Wolf of Wall Street marriage, reveals the hidden signs of trauma bonds and why leaving feels impossible. This isn’t weakness—it’s neuroscience.

Learn the strategic escape plan that helped her client of 35 years break free safely. Discover the two-part healing framework that transformed Dr. Nay from victim to healer. You deserve peace, and this roadmap shows you how to reclaim yourself.

Highlights:4:00 Dr. Nae’s origin story6:30 How to tell if you are in a trauma bonded relationship9:10 The power imbalance that can make it hard to leave a trauma bond19:22 Healing after leaving a trauma bonded relationship22:00 Loss of self and trauma bonds  30:10 Where to find Dr. Nae’s book, Run Like Hell: A Therapist’s Guide to Recognizing, Escaping, and Healing from Trauma Bonds31:05 Dr. Nae’s biggest personal boundary struggleConnect with Dr. Nadine Macaluso

Dr. Nadine Macaluso, known to her patients as Dr. Nae, is the real-life inspiration behind Naomi Belfort’s character in “The Wolf of Wall Street.” She survived a turbulent eight-year marriage to Jordan Belfort, marked by abuse, greed, and trauma.

Following her experiences, Dr. Macaluso relocated to California. Her journey of trauma and healing inspired her to return to school at age 39, where she earned her Master’s in counseling and a Ph.D. in somatic psychotherapy. She further specialized with a two-year postdoctoral training in the Neuro-affective Relational Model (NARM).

As a therapist, Dr. Macaluso combines her education and personal experiences to help others heal from trauma. Her practice focuses on assisting patients in connecting with their authentic selves, fostering confidence, resilience, and agency. Dr. Macaluso firmly believes in the potential for post-traumatic growth, instilling hope in her patients and guiding them to reach their potential in life and love.

Find Dr. Nae at:

Run Like Hell: A Therapist’s Guide to Recognizing, Escaping, and Healing from Trauma Bonds: https://drnae.com/run-like-hell-book/

Trauma Bonds Checklist: https://drnae.com/trauma-bonds-checklist/

Website: https://drnae.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/therealdrnadine

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

As seasons change, our energy shifts too. Even if you live in a place without big weather changes, there is a rhythm to life that invites pausing, assessing, and resetting. Think of this as a psychological closet clean-out. Just as you pack away your summer clothes and pull out cozy sweaters, you can review your mental habits, emotional clutter, and daily commitments to decide what stays and what goes.

Below, you will find a short pre-work to set your intention, followed by a gentle guided meditation that you can use anytime you need a reset. If you prefer audio, you can download the meditation here.

https://youtu.be/6LsbybYpZxU

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Quick Pre-Work: Journal Prompts For Clarity

Use these prompts to locate what is heavy or outdated before you sit for the meditation. Think of your mind and heart as a closet. We are pulling everything out so you can consciously choose what to keep.

What beliefs or stories am I carrying that feel untrue, too heavy, or not in my best interest right now?Which obligations or commitments are out of alignment with who I am today?Which thought patterns feel like an old, itchy sweater I never wear, but keep out of habit?What do I want more of this season in my daily life, and where do I want to focus my energy?What are one or two small habits that would help me align with that vision?

If the answers feel sticky, be patient. We are waking up from autopilot and choosing with intention.

Releasing With Respect

Letting go does not mean burning everything down. Imagine placing outdated patterns, expired commitments, or old stories into a donation box. They may have served you once. They simply do not fit who you are becoming. Clearing creates space. Space needs structure, so after you release, you will name one quality you want to invite in and one very small action that nurtures it.

Guided Meditation: Psychological Fall Cleanse

You can read this slowly to yourself or record it and listen back. If you want the audio, grab it here.

Settle in a comfortable position, seated with your spine supported or lying down if that feels better. Let your hands rest. Close your eyes if that is comfortable.

Take a deep breath in through your nose. Exhale slowly through your mouth. Again, inhale and fill your belly, ribs, and chest. Exhale and release any tension you have been carrying. One more time, big breath in and sigh it out. Allow your breath to return to a natural rhythm. Feel the support beneath you. There is nowhere else you need to be.

Imagine stepping outside on a crisp autumn day. The air is cool. The light is golden. Leaves crunch softly underfoot. Inhale that freshness and exhale into the season of change.

Fall reminds us that letting go is natural and necessary. Trees release their leaves to conserve energy and root more deeply. As the seasons shift, we are invited to notice what in our inner world is ready to be released.

Picture yourself entering a symbolic inner space. It might look like a room, a house, or a spacious clearing. This is your psychological home. Look around with curiosity. Notice corners cluttered with old memories, outdated beliefs, or habits that no longer support you. No judgment. Just compassionate observation. You are taking stock before a seasonal clean.

Imagine you are holding a gentle tool for clearing. It could be a broom, a rake, or simply your breath. With each inhale, gather awareness of something heavy or stale. With each exhale, sweep it into a small pile to be carried off by the autumn wind. With one breath, you release self-doubt. With another, an old story about your worth. With another, a tight grip of resentment or worry. Continue like this for a minute, one breath at a time, releasing what you are ready to let go.

Notice how the space feels lighter as you clear. Notice how your body feels as you let go.

Now allow one specific thing to arise. A thought pattern, a relational dynamic, or a behavior that you are truly ready to release this season. Whatever appears is welcome. Acknowledge how it may have served you once. Also, notice that it no longer fits who you are becoming.

Take a slow, deep breath in. As you exhale, visualize this one thing releasing like a handful of leaves tossed into the breeze, carried away, and dissolving. Rest in the space that follows.

You have created room for nourishment. Ask gently, What do I want to invite in for this next season of my life?

Perhaps clarity, self-compassion, consistent boundaries, or more joy. Allow one word or image to arise. With each inhale, draw that quality into your body and your heart. With each exhale, let it settle and take root. Breathe in to let it land. Breathe in to let it grow stronger within you.

Step back and see your inner space once more. Notice how it looks and feels after this cleansing. Brighter. Lighter. More open. More aligned with who you truly are.

Fill yourself with gratitude for your courage to release and your wisdom to receive. Take a deep breath in and exhale slowly, letting gratitude move through your whole body from head to toes.

Gently bring your awareness back to the room. Wiggle your fingers and toes. Roll your shoulders. If it feels good, take a long stretch. When you are ready, open your eyes and return to the moment with a sense of renewal and clarity. You are here. You are present. You are ready for what’s next.

Integrate Your Insight

To anchor what came up, choose one next right action you will take in the next 24 hours.

Examples:

Decline one out-of-alignment commitment and offer an alternative.Put a weekly 10-minute check-in on your calendar to keep your space clear.Replace one negative loop with a simple affirmation that actually resonates for you.Set a phone boundary during a daily window to protect your energy and bandwidth.

Small, repeatable actions build a calmer, cleaner inner world. If this meditation supported you, download the audio and the prompts here, and revisit the practice whenever you need a reset.

As always, take care of you.

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
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Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“The leaves are dying because the trees are preparing to conserve their energy and grow stronger roots for the winter. We can take a cue from the rhythm of nature.” – Terri Cole

Intro

As seasons change, our energy shifts too. Even if you live in a place without big weather changes, there is a rhythm to life that invites pausing, assessing, and resetting. Think of this as a psychological closet clean-out. Just as you pack away your summer clothes and pull out cozy sweaters, you can review your mental habits, emotional clutter, and daily commitments to decide what stays and what goes.

Highlights:6:20 Questions to ask yourself as you declutter your mind11:50 Plant the seeds of hope and desire for change13:00 A guided meditation to help you renew yourself this seasonLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“That’s the reality of parenting: Every 25 minutes there’s another crisis, and feel like you can’t get through without messing up. It really is that hard, but it gets a little easier when you realize that the only person you can control is yourself.” – Dafna Lender

Intro

Struggling with boundaries? Attachment expert Daphna Lender reveals why “gentle parenting” trends miss the mark. Learn the neuroscience-backed technique of parental self-regulation that transforms difficult moments with your kids. Discover why your own nervous system holds the key to effective boundaries.

With 30 years of clinical experience, Daphna shares evidence-based strategies for managing challenging behaviors in children and teens. Learn how to “clear your screen” before setting boundaries, why listening with curiosity changes everything with teenagers, and the surprising power of disengagement.

Highlights:3:40 Dafna’s origin story  10:04 How Dafna approaches boundaries between parents and children in her practice16:34 How gentle parenting may be harmful21:20 Helping parents to create healthier boundaries and regulate their emotions32:00 The inspiration behind Dafna’s course, The Anti-Perfect Parenting Program34:20 Dafna’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Dafna Lender

Dafna is a family therapy expert and attachment specialist. Dafna is an international trainer and supervisor for practitioners who work with children and families. She is a certified trainer and supervisor/consultant in both Theraplay and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), as well as an EMDR therapist. Dafna’s expertise is drawn from 29 years of practicing family therapy around diverse problems: extreme acting out and withdrawn children, depression, ADHD, school issues, adoption identity and developmental trauma, as well as parent-child relational conflict, dysregulation and mood instability in parents as well as co-parent conflict. Dafna’s style, whether as a therapist or teacher, is combining the light-hearted with the profound by bringing a playful, intense and passionate presence to every encounter. 

Dafna is author of Integrative Attachment Family Therapy (2023) and the co-author of Theraplay the Practitioner’s Guide (2020).  She teaches and supervises clinicians in 15 countries in 4 languages: English, Hebrew, French and Spanish.

Website: https://www.dafnalender.com

Dafna’s Anti-Perfect Parenting Program: https://www.dafnalender.com/resources/antiperfect

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Be honest. Have you ever felt your walls go up when someone gives you feedback? Maybe your partner says, “You’re always on your phone,” or your boss points out a mistake, and before you even realize it, you’re explaining, justifying, or firing back.

You are not alone. Defensiveness is a profoundly human response. It is our nervous system’s way of saying, “I feel threatened.” But while it may feel like protection, defensiveness actually builds a wall between you and the people you care about most.

Let’s talk about why it happens, how to shift it, and how to give feedback in a way that strengthens the connection rather than breaking it down.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Defensiveness Really?

Defensiveness is a self-protective reaction to perceived criticism. When someone says, “We need to talk,” your brain can instantly interpret that as, “I’m being attacked,” or “I’m in trouble,” or “I’m about to be rejected.”

That triggers the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response. You push back, argue, explain, or withdraw. The problem is that defensiveness doesn’t protect your self-worth or dignity; it protects your ego in the moment while disconnecting you from others.

Psychologist Harriet Lerner said it best: Defensiveness is the archenemy of listening. When you are defensive, you cannot truly hear another person’s experience—and without honest listening, there is a cap on intimacy, trust, or growth.

Why We Get Defensive

Some people grow up in families where defensiveness is modeled as normal. If your caregivers could not admit fault or always turned feedback into blame, you may have learned that defensiveness equals strength. In truth, it keeps us emotionally stuck.

Others become defensive because of old fears of criticism, shame, or not being “good enough.” Whatever the cause, it is essential to recognize that the behavior makes perfect sense and that you can change it.

The Cost of Staying Defensive

Think about what happens when you always defend yourself:

Your partner stops being honest because it feels pointless.Your friends share less because they feel you’ll argue.Your colleagues avoid giving feedback because it drains them.

Over time, defensiveness builds an invisible barrier around you. Truth cannot live in that environment. Without truth, connections are superficial.

How to Respond to Feedback: Say This, Not That

If your partner says, “You’re always on your phone,” your instinct might be to reply, “I’m not always on my phone, you’re exaggerating.” That response creates distance.

Instead, try:
“Okay, I hear you. Can you be more specific about when it bothers you? Can you tell me what would help you feel more connected?”

See the difference? You moved from defensiveness to curiosity and empathy.

Let’s look at a few more examples.

Situation 1: At work
Your boss says, “You missed key details in the report.”

Not that: “Your instructions weren’t clear.”Say this: “Appreciate you catching that. Could you share what stood out as missing? I want to make sure my next version hits the mark.”

Situation 2: With a friend
Your friend says, “It hurt my feelings that you didn’t call me back.”

Not that: “I was busy and you’re being kinda sensitive.”Say this: “I get that my not calling you back hurt your feelings. I’m sorry you felt ignored. Next time, I’ll be more specific about when I can call you back.”

Situation 3: With your partner
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “When I’m talking and you’re on your phone, I feel unimportant. I’d love if we could have phone-free dinners.”

Small language shifts can create big emotional changes.

What If You’re the One Giving Feedback?

If you want your feedback to be heard, deliver it compassionately and clearly. Avoid words like always and never because they exaggerate and provoke defensiveness.

Try using I statements: “I feel,” “I need,” or “I notice.” Pair the feedback with a specific request.

For example:
“I was bummed when you canceled our plans without notice. Next time, could you please give me a heads-up sooner if something comes up?

This approach turns feedback into collaboration instead of confrontation.

A Personal Story

Early in my career, I learned this lesson the hard way. I worked as an assistant at a talent agency, and my boss criticized something I had done. I immediately began explaining my reasoning. He stopped me and said, “I don’t care why you did it that way. I’m telling you I don’t want it done that way, and I do not appreciate your defensiveness.”

I was mortified. I went to the bathroom and cried, but that moment taught me how crucial it is to listen before explaining. It changed the way I communicate professionally and personally.

The Growth Mindset Shift

Here’s the truth: Feedback is not rejection. Feedback is information.

When you replace defensiveness with curiosity, feedback becomes a tool for growth. It is data that helps you evolve, connect, and improve. Smart, emotionally healthy people seek out this data.

Being open does not mean you must agree with every piece of feedback. It means you are strong enough to hear it without crumbling or attacking.

Challenge Yourself This WeekWhen someone gives you feedback, pause before responding.Acknowledge what they said, even if it stings.Ask one clarifying question instead of defending yourself.Notice how your body feels when you stay open instead of reacting.

You will begin to see that defensiveness shuts doors, but curiosity and compassion open them wide.

Final Thought

The next time you feel your walls going up, remind yourself: This is not an attack; this is information. You can use it to strengthen your relationships and deepen your self-awareness.

And if you want to download the Say This, Not That scripts from this episode, click here—I made them for you.

And, as always, take care of you.

FAQ Section Why do I get defensive so easily?
Defensiveness often comes from fear of criticism or rejection. Your brain interprets feedback as a threat, triggering the fight-or-flight response. How can I stop being defensive in the moment?
Pause, breathe, and focus on understanding rather than defending. Try saying, “I hear you. Can you tell me more?” instead of arguing or explaining. What’s the best way to give feedback without sounding critical?
Use “I statements,” focus on behavior instead of character, and make a clear request. For example: “When you interrupt, I feel unheard. Can we take turns speaking?” Can defensiveness ruin relationships?
Yes. Chronic defensiveness erodes trust and emotional safety. Replacing it with curiosity and validation helps relationships thrive.

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“When someone is really defensive, it’s such a drag to give them feedback. Defensiveness creates an environment where truth cannot live.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Be honest. Have you ever felt your walls go up when someone gives you feedback? Maybe your partner says, “You’re always on your phone,” or your boss points out a mistake, and before you even realize it, you’re explaining, justifying, or firing back.

You are not alone. Defensiveness is a profoundly human response. It is our nervous system’s way of saying, “I feel threatened.” But while it may feel like protection, defensiveness actually builds a wall between you and the people you care about most.

Let’s talk about why it happens, how to shift it, and how to give feedback in a way that strengthens the connection rather than breaking it down.

Highlights:4:10 What it means when your nervous system responds poorly to feedback 6:10 What’s your downloaded blueprint around defensiveness?7:50 Practical advice about what to say and what not to say when you receive feedback12:30 The consequences of a defensive response to feedback16:40 The art of giving feedback without being criticalLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

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“The mother and son have a special bond. It comes with its own set of complexities because many boys are raised to be avoidant, not to share feelings and needs, and to brush off emotions.” – Dr. Tracy Dalgleish

Intro

Your mother-in-law isn’t the problem. The lack of clear boundaries is. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish reveals why 85% of women fight with their partners about their mothers-in-law and what to do about it.

The biggest mistake: when your husband blames you for the boundaries (“She doesn’t want to come for Christmas”). Learn how to communicate as a team, establish your own traditions, and stop being the “people-pleasing victim” or the “villain.” Concrete strategies for newlyweds and new moms.

Highlights:4:00 Why mother in laws are a top source of conflict for couples10:35 The victim vs. villain dynamic in relationships13:40 How changing norms are affecting mother-in-law daughter-in-law dynamics 24:00 Presenting a united front to your parents25:40 The two standout mother-in-law archetypes28:00 Who should read Dr. Dalgleish’s new book, You, Your Husband, and His MotherConnect with Dr. Tracy Dalgleish

Dr. Tracy Dalgleish is a clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and sought-after relationship expert. She is the creator of Be Connected Digital, where she teaches people all over the world how to have healthy relationships. Her work has been featured in outlets like the New York Times, Forbes, and Time, and her research has appeared in peer-reviewed academic journals. She is the author of the book I Didn’t Sign Up for This and the host of the top 100 parenting podcast Dear Dr. Tracy. Owner of the mental health clinic Integrated Wellness, she lives in Ottawa with her husband and two children.

Click here to learn about Tracey’s newest book, YOU, YOUR HUSBAND, AND HIS MOTHER: Create a Healthy Relationship with Your Mother-in-Law–and Your Spouse–in Five Simple Steps: https://drtracyd.com/you-your-husband-and-his-mother

Find Tracy on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drtracyd/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?