Ivy Keating's Blog - Posts Tagged "goodadvice"

Years ago, I learned a trick for what to do if I couldn't fall asleep. The solution was to stop trying. Get up, walk around, even turn on the light, and then - after a few minutes - settle back in bed and close my eyes. It worked!

I think the reason this trick was successful was because it took the focus away from the pressure and the negative feelings of not being able to do something. Negative feelings stifle productivity.

Did you ever notice how sometimes the best ideas come to us when we're not trying? While submitting my second novel for consideration an agent asked me what inspired the story. My answer was the Great Lakes. What an odd answer for a fantasy novel with magical creatures, but I remember thinking about the lakes and wondering what kind of imaginary world could be built around them. Without pressure or doubt it's easier for ideas to flow.

If you are trying to start a project or find yourself having trouble finishing one, ask yourself if negative thoughts are blocking your ability to succeed. If you have to refocus, step away from the project, even for 10 minutes, and come back to it. This simple action may be all you need.

Acting on impulse is letting your emotions make decisions. While some choices have to be made faster than others, it's often beneficial to take a moment and steady our feelings before making decisions.

Here's an example; Today, the cover artist for 'Sarana and the Dark King' sent me a dozen potential designs. When I looked at the first few, I knew they weren't right. Sarana was too exposed. It was completely the wrong look for this female warrior. Immediately my impulse was "there's nothing here that's going to work". As I looked through the other photos, I was only seeing the faults.

I took a breath.

Scrolling through them a second and third time, I started to see the potential. One image of the woman was spot-on, and the font from another rendition was perfect. With a calm head, I could see she actually presented me with all the elements of a fantastic cover.

It's helpful to be in-tune with your emotions. If you're about to make a decision based on impulse, take a breath, think it over. You may discover something wonderful.

As part of the promotion package for my second novel. my publisher requires us to create an "About the Author" paragraph.

The problem is, I find it hard to write about myself. To finish the task, it helped to keep the following things in mind, and I find them useful whenever faced with something difficult:

First, it benefited me to acknowledge that I felt uncomfortable. One might think giving something 'negative' attention keeps you stuck in the problem, but the opposite is true. By validating my feelings, I stopped fighting my thoughts of how difficult the task is. It was like I no longer had to be heard–– I was heard–– and now I could move on.

When faced with a tough situation, after acknowledging you're having difficulty, start the task knowing that it's important to be true to yourself. Everyone has a unique way of expressing things, and this difference is often interesting. My essay may not give information about my family or my favorite books to read, but it will sound authentic.

My last bit of advice, when doing something outside your comfort zone, is to be open to criticism. Listening to someone else's opinion does not mean you have to do what they say. But, if you keep an open mind, they may have some wise words about how to improve what you've done. My editor told me, I really should add something more personal. I put this in at the end, and I agree it improves the piece.

I'd like to share my "About the Author" paragraph below. All critiques are welcome. I'm always open to suggestions, especially when writing something out of my comfort zone.

A story can be born out of an image. This is where my stories begin. A site that intrigues me will hold my imagination. I enjoy writing Science Fiction and Fantasy. ‘Sarana and the Dark King’ was imagined from a mental picture of the Great Lakes. The proximity of these bodies of water and the land that surrounds them lend themselves to the formation of separate kingdoms— at least they do in my mind. My challenge as a writer is to take this intriguing setting and create a plot that is both clever and surprising. I enjoy creating characters with depth. I have a master’s degree in social work, and my education has taught me to analyze why people act the way they do. I’m also an animal lover. Books and movies with a man vs nature theme are my favorite. I’m not certain this qualifies, but I’m obsessed with “Grogu” (“Baby Yoda”).

Is it lack of time that stops us from reaching our goals? I had a reader ask me, "how do you find the time to write a book?" My first thought was, no one has time to write a book. This past month seemed busier than most. My days were full just when the line-edits and then the galley for 'Sarana and the Dark King' needed to be finalized. But, no matter how busy I was, nothing was going to stop me from working on the novel. So, if it's not time, then what does get in the way of goal attainment?

When there doesn't seem to be enough time to work on your goals, here are 3 things to think about to get you on track.

First - be honest with yourself. Do you really want to do the activity you say you have no time for? In the example of writing a book, do you want to subject your story to scrutiny, relentless editing, and adherence to industry standards?

If you thought through the details of what it will take to reach your goal, and you still want to attain it, the next step is to think about when during the day you could find 20 to 30 minutes. I use this as a rough estimate of daily time needed. I believe that no matter how busy you are, this amount of time can always be found, so it's a good place to start. I am a slow reader and editor. It takes me a lot of time to make any changes, and there's often strict deadlines. Late nights, less sleep, whatever can be shuffled may have to be. The point is, it's not finding the time but committing to it.

Finally, it's brave to take on a challenge. Any change, good or bad, has potential to be stressful. Work from a position of strength. Take care of yourself in general. When we feel strong, it's easier to embark on something new and have the stamina to complete it.

We are all capable of reaching our goals. Know the activities necessary and be certain you want to do all of them, commit to the time it takes, and check if you're up for a new challenge. Don't let time constraints stand in your way. No one has time to write a book - but many have done it, and you can too.

There are therapeutic references to people having both an emotional mind and a rational mind. The emotional mind is driven by feelings, and the rational mind acts on facts. What frame of mind is the best for reaching our goals? In many pursuits, such as writing a novel, I believe that in the beginning our emotional mind, the one driven by passion, dominates. However, the rational mind is inevitably needed to succeed.

Our logical mind may question if we have the level of expertise necessary to pursue our dreams, but it's often the emotional mind that stops us from achieving them.

I've had several people ask me, "how do you write a book?" When I ask what type of advice they're looking for, they say they had a story but didn't know where to start. My suggestion is always to write out the entire story. Let your passion drive you, and tell your best tale. When you're finished, research the writing have-tos. These are the things publishers and agents will insist on. They include such things as excellent grammar, more showing than telling, watching for point-of-view switches, and not repeating words. (At least, these were some of the big ones for me.) Basically, focus on embracing your desire and learning from your research; you need to engage both your emotional and rational mind.

I've seen new writers abandon their work because they get lost in the process. Every lofty goal has the potential to overwhelm us. Before you give up on a dream, ask yourself if it's your emotions or your rational mind pushing you to stop. Combat negative feelings such as fear and anxiety with research on what behaviors are needed to achieve success. This relatively simple trick, of changing feelings to measurable actions, may put you back on track.

Our emotional mind may spark our desire, but our rational mind can help us stay the course. Let your "two minds" work together to help you reach your goals!

Is it possible to analyze our own work? Can we really be objective? As I thought about the answers to these questions, I was reminded of the concept of "dialectical thinking": viewing something from many sides.

Seeing things from all angles can foster good communication with others. To think dialectically, one must keep an open mind and listen to the other person's point of view. We can use the same principles to analyze our own creations.

The following is a list of 3 benefits to appreciating all sides of something: 1) It can expand our thoughts. 2) Thinking with an open mind allows us to develop different opportunities. 3) Opening our mind can help us make well thought out decisions.

Understanding the importance of these benefits, can enable us to think objectively. For example: 1) "expand your thoughts" by being open to critique. Praise is great to hear, but it's criticism that will help you improve. 2) If you suspect something is not working, opening your mind will enable you to analyze if a change is needed. 3) Once you can accept that alternative ways of doing something exist, you can explore how to proceed.

We are often attached to what we create. As an author, I feel passionate about what I write. However, I learned that listening to others, particularly the comments of professionals in the field, gave me the opportunity to improve. Keeping an open mind and studying something from all angles is not always easy, but the benefits of learning how to truly analyze one's work will help create a superior product.

It's often a rocky path to our goals. But that does not mean you won't get there. Here’s my top 5 ways to brush yourself off and keep going, when things don't go your way!

1-Validate your feelings. It’s okay to be upset, angry, scared… any feeling you have is valid. Tell yourself that you accept that you feel this way. You can also validate your feelings by acknowledging them and saying to yourself, “It will be alright. We will find a way to deal with this.” It may seem silly, but trying to discount the way you feel could actually hurt your chances of success. You could pretend rejections don’t bother you at all, but this could lead to discounting the importance of your goals.

2-Be accurate. Don't dramatize the hurdle. Take for example, sending in a novel and a publishing house rejecting it. One rejection — even 50 rejections –– does not mean everyone and everyplace will pass on your idea. It just means this place did. When processing what happened, stick to the facts.

3-Look for the positive. In the example of a book rejection, perhaps the response came with a critique you could capitalize on. This type of rejection gave me great encouragement. Someone in the industry took the time to comment. Knowing they would look for my rewrite kept my spirits up. If you receive a form letter rejection, cross them off your list. At least you don’t have to wait any longer for their answer.

4-For every obstacle, find two ways to keep going. If I received a rejection on a query, I would look for two more places to send my novel. Keep the momentum going. Don't let a set back knock you off the path... go around it and power on.

5-Focus on your goal. The truth is, you only have to live with the rejection blues if you focus on the difficulties. Once you validate your feelings, try any of the suggestions above. We all face setbacks. It's how you move on from them that matters.

You can do it!

How important is having confidence? Studies have shown that having confidence can increase our ability to solve problems. We've also discovered that people are more likely to trust someone that appears confident. But, maybe even more important, having confidence can help us feel better when we're faced with upsetting situations.

I believe the key to confidence is embedded in the concept of a "locus of control." Postulated by Julian Rotter, it refers to the varying degrees we feel we have control of things versus the degree that external things have control over us.

It's easy to see how someone could feel insecure if they constantly had to wait for someone else's approval. Let's say you're a writer. If the only way you value what you created is based on how others rate it, then you're subjected to the whim of external forces.

So, how can we develop a strong sense of being in control?

First, accept and appreciate who you are. We all have flaws. It's ok to work on them, but it is not helpful to saddle yourself with negativity. Always acknowledge your accomplishments and use self affirmations –– positive statements about yourself –– for encouragement.

Next, remember that you're in control of your actions. How you respond to negative news is your choice. Just as how you act when you get positive news. Build on your accomplishments, and work on the failures.

And, finally, outside forces affect us but we can dictate to what degree. Self appreciation and the knowledge that we are capable of initiating our own coping behaviors will bolster feelings of having an internal locus of control. Armed with this feeling, the power that comes with confidence is yours!

As a therapist, I enjoy doing research on goal attainment. I was reading about primary and secondary emotions, and it's clear we can help ourselves reach our goals if we act before negative secondary emotions kick in. Being aware of what happens after our initial response passes can have a huge impact on whether we continue to try or if we give up on something we desire.

Our primary emotions are our gut reactions. They're the first thing we feel. If you're trying to find an agent for your new novel, and you receive a rejection letter, you may feel sad or disappointed. Our initial reactions should always be accepted and validated.

Secondary emotions are the ones we have time to put thought into. They are how we've learned to react to our initial feelings. In the example of receiving a rejection letter, if you feel disappointed you may have learned that when you have this feeling it's tied to not being good at something. If this happens, you may start to feel insecure, and therefore not send your book out again.

Our secondary emotions can also help us. If you're rejected by an agent and feel sad, maybe you've learned that sadness often means there's a situation that needs changing. Now you may be feeling motivated.

The key to success is how you act in between your primary and secondary emotions. Think about where your secondary emotions are leading you. If you find they are taking you down a negative path, take the focus away from your feelings. Focus on what behaviors will help you move forward.

Don't let your emotions stop you from reaching your goals. Stay in control of the situation, and avoid letting negative secondary emotions hold you back. The right behavior can keep you on the road to success.

I believe there are only 3 ways to deal with a problem. We can either (1) do nothing or try to ignore it, (2) attempt to cope, or (3) work on a solution. Depending on the situation any one of these could work, but coping or solving are probably the best choices.

Problems can be ignored, but they often don't go away. If you tend to be lazy, it may not bother you to miss an outing with friends, but the tendency to be lazy could be a major problem when looking for a publisher for your new book. If you opt to ignore a problem, take note if it's stopping you from reaching your goals. Identifying a characteristic that's standing in your way is the first step to changing it.

Attempting to cope with a problem might be the perfect in-between step when you'd actually like to work on an issue but feel overwhelmed by it. For example, let's say you completed a novel. You send it to a bunch of publishers, and everyone rejects it. Initially, you may need to check your feelings. Rejections don't have to mean it's time to give up. Rejections can mean you haven't found the right publisher for your book, or your novel needs work but still has a lot of potential. Taking the time to "cope" can give you the level-head necessary to make the right choices going forward.

The third choice when faced with a problem is to try and solve it. You have your wits about you, and you're ready to do the behaviors necessary to work on it. In the example of not finding a publisher, you've recognized that a rewrite is needed, or maybe you have decided that there are publishers out there that could be a better fit.

Being aware of our difficulties, and thinking about the best way to manage them, can help us cope with a problem. Recognizing these 3 strategies can help us choose the right one when needed. Difficulties that are ignored could hold us back. Managing our feelings could help us choose the right path. And, solving the problem can take us closer to our goals!