Mark Messmore's Blog

On March 1, 2022, I published my first book.

What began over a decade earlier as a desire to fashion an easily-transferrable method to train others in preaching, resulted in a work I’m proud to put my name on. Since then, I’ve written about public speaking, mental health, ministry, leadership, and more. However, in the end, I came back to this goal I had of making a simple resource anyone could pick up, read, and use to complete their first sermon.

Since then, I’ve learned many lessons about how differently I should have handled the release, marketing, even the title, and much more. But when I logged on today, almost two years later, I was surprised to find a small indicator attached to the listing:

There are a million disclaimers I should offer here about why being a #1 Best Seller on Amazon is not THAT big of a deal. But, for the moment, I’m going to forego the typical wet-blanket attitude I carry, and simply breathe in the belief that I accomplished what I set out to do.

According to a combination of firm sales numbers and rough estimates, I believe there are around 900 copies of my book in the hands of readers.

* On one hand, the average book in America sells less than 300 copies in its lifetime.

* On the other hand, this number is nowhere near major best-seller lists.

Still, it is a work I am proud of. Furthermore, I am grateful for those of you who ventured along with me. Whether you purchased a copy and left a review, subscribed to my podcast, or simply left comments on social media, I appreciate it.

The more effort I put in, the less I am certain about what may be next. However, thank every one of you who has cared enough and chosen to “BE THERE” for me!

The following is a manuscript of my speech for the 2024 Toastmasters International Speech Contest. Unfortunately, I failed to make it as far as I had hoped. However, I can say that I poured a tremendous amount of energy and emotion into this speech. Therefore, it is not content I simply want to lose in a file on my computer.

My goal was to craft a speech about depression…that was not depressing to hear. As I considered this end, I proposed to my wife Kara what it might be like to craft a speech in the style of Doctor Seuss. She loved the idea, and this was the result.

While I am still immensely disappointed that I was not good enough to progress further in the competition, I believe the following message to be one that I hope can be used in some way. So…today I share it with you.

The speech title is simply: BE THERE

BE THERE

How do you broach a subject that’s hard to address?

How do you approach a challenging talk that might elicit distress? 

When a topic is complex and deep – And you don’t want to put a crowd to sleep

When it’s something you hesitate to mention – because others may question your intentions

Friends, I do not pretend to know – what is always the best way to go

And I realize today a risk I take – leaving an unknown aftermath in my wake.

I fully know and I fully see that this may change how you view me. 

But sometimes what’s hard must be addressed. Not because it is easy, but because it is best.

So I hope that adding some rhythm and rhyme…it might make this a more pleasant time. 

Because topics that might make us first wince a bit can be easier when framed with whimsy and wit.

So Toastmasters, guests, and Contest Chair too, I bring a hard talk from me straight to you.

What I will describe within this session…is what it’s like to live with what you’ve heard called “depression”.

While depression can be hard to fully explain, much of it comes down to the work of the brain.

You see, circumstance, trauma, and other factors could cause the brain not to work as it should.

Yet even if life is nice and clean depression might show up as part of your genes.

For example, my brain tells me all sorts of mean things. And though I fight back it consistently stings.

My brain is a jerk…It’s weird but it’s true. And it’s awkward to confess this to others like you. 

It’s hard to admit every day is a fight. From when I wake up, to when I lay down at night.

It’s living each moment while I hear toxic soundtracks from between my ears. 

How I should be smarter and richer and thinner. How I’m the lone loser amidst all the winners. 

How I should be more successful and faster. All of that potential but all this disaster. 

How I stink at my job. I’m a terrible spouse. How I suck as a dad. How I’m weak as a mouse.

How I’m a failure, a loser, a waste…how it would be better if I were erased. 

It’s hopeless, it’s pointless…just go back to bed – maybe it would be better if I were just…

These are the things Depression will say and proclaim that I deserve to feel this way.

That I have no friends there are none who care –  I deserve to feel as though I am where

There’s no way out…no hope no end – and so my job is to pretend. 

Because no one wants to be around a person who is often feeling down. 

And so so often people like me…just hide what others don’t want to see. 

We put on smile and we pretend…that everything’s peachy on our end.

But on the inside…no matter how strong…the fight just feels like it’s gone on too long.

I don’t say this for pity – far be it from me…but to offer some insight so that you might be

More aware of those around you who might – be fighting their own invisible fight. 

And I want to point out that statistics say, 21 million Americans live this way. 

These are your neighbors, your co-workers too who put on a mask while in front of you.

Your family, your friends your rabbi your pastors, your barista, your barber, your fellow toastmasters. 

So today I want to empower you with a simple idea of what to do. 

About how you can support someone who might be fighting their own invisible fight.

My recommendation for how to offer care comes down to two words…simply this: “BE THERE”

To be there in presence or even text can say – more than the “right words” might ever convey.

Because suddenly they’re not alone – suddenly they’re not fighting on their own

Suddenly there’s proof that someone does care – all because you chose to be there.

In that moment you’re a shelter, a light – as the storm rages through their personal fight.

When your loved one cancels plans to hide because they cannot face the world outside

Be where they are with your phone or maybe a book – fully letting them off the hook…Saying “There is nothing you have to say or do – As long as I can sit here and just be with you.”

When your partner feels at a loss or trapped, please try not to get your feelings chapped.

Say, “For better or worse no matter the weather…we may go slow, but we will go together.”

I realize this doesn’t heal the past – and there is no magic cure to make this go away fast…

But it will go a long way if you just say a prayer…take a deep breath and choose to be there.

While I have this time, I want to say – to you who are fighting in a similar way

I’m proud of you for not giving in…for not letting depression win

For every time that you got out of bed – despite the dark fight going on in your head

For every time you got out the door…though really you wanted to lay on the floor. 

For every time you took care of your kids or your spouse or your dog or your great uncle Sid

I am proud of you for every day you’ve not let depression have the last say.

I’m proud of every step you’ve taken, every time you’ve not let your faith be shaken

Keep fighting friend and please, please know – I’m proud of your progress – no matter how slow.

While friends, there is so much more to say – that all must wait for another day

I hope I’ve made you a bit more keen on a fight that so often goes unseen.

And for some of you – I hope you’ll dare to simply, intentionally choose to be there.

People are messy.

I know I’ve said that before, but the idea bears repeating.

I often tell my church that the church is filled with fallen, broken, messed up, sinful human beings. This is true regardless of whether we’re speaking about the global Church or my local congregation down the road. Every iteration of Christ-followers is comprised of nothing but 100% sinful, broken, fallen messed-up people.

And I’m one of them.

To some extent, this idea is being recognized more. Recently in my conversation with Kyle Knarr, he pointed out how trendy it has become for churches to make statements like “It’s ok to not be ok.” or “No perfect people allowed!” However, in many of those same congregations, the moment someone’s mental health, family issues, unresolved trauma, or sinful tendencies appear, the individual in question feels like they have fallen short of the communal image that they are supposed to uphold. Suddenly “it’s ok to not be ok” only applies if your mess isn’t TOO messy for us.

MY FREQUENT REMINDERS

Somewhere along the line, I picked up a couple of mantras that I often find myself repeating. I say these to myself often when dealing with the messiness of people. The first is simply this:

God did not call me to minister to perfect Christians

In saying this, I remind myself that there is no such thing as a perfect church and no such thing as perfect Christians. Instead, those I have been called to minister to are included in the above category of fallen, messed up, and broken. Thus, everyone is bringing not only a desire to grow in their faith, but also their misguided beliefs, prior hurts, consequences of their past mistakes, and more.

The second is well-known, but again, bears repeating

Hurt people hurt people

This one is the most difficult for me to accept because it admits these people I worship, study, and break bread with, may at some point hurt me through their actions. Similarly, I may hurt them because of some unresolved hurt in my own life. For years, I did not recognize just how much of an impact my unresolved trauma could have on my leadership as I tried to pastor others. Now, this serves as a reminder that the more I deal with my hurts, the less likely I am to unintentionally harm someone else.

Have extra grace with unfinished people…you’re one of them

This final statement reorients me back whenever I might be letting myself get judgmental about the mess in someone else’s life. This reminds me that I have my mess and my long list of hurts and mistakes. None of us are done being formed into the likeness of Christ…and that includes me.

Navigating the messiness of people is always tough, and sometimes makes me want to throw up my hands in frustration. But these few mantras help reorient me to the type of calling God has given me…not just as a pastor, but also as a Christian. This is why Paul says in Galatians 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.“

My first “real” job was working at a restaurant that never closed. Even at 3:00 AM, someone could pull in, get seated at a table or booth, and be served food even if they were the only customer who had entered since late the day before. There were no “openers” or “closers” because the restaurant doors never locked.

As a customer, such a restaurant is certainly convenient because you never have to worry about getting there on time. Whether you are a long-haul trucker making a coast-to-coast delivery, a college student grinding books and cramming lecture notes or a group of friends hopped up on caffeine and laughs, you know the doors are always open and someone will be ready to take your order.

I mention this first job because the first time I stepped into full-time ministry, I saw my schedule as much the same way. Ministry is a 24-hour-a-day calling and I assumed that, much like my first restaurant job, that meant my phone was always on and the door always open no matter the time, day, or family circumstance.

Today, that type of mindset exists in a variety of jobs. The prevalence of technology, while fantastic in many ways, has provided accessibility to teachers, doctors, IT tech support, plumbers, financial planners, and more every moment of every day. The former built-in realities of opening and closing times are often seen as vague recommendations rather than firm boundaries. And it is with that in mind that I offer a lesson that I am continuing to learn even after 17 years of full-time professional ministry.

There is a BIG difference between AVAILABILITY and ACCESSIBILITY

THE DIFFERENCE

If you want to reach me I have a cell phone number, a work number, a personal business number, Instagram, Facebook, Slack, Discord, Twitter, multiple email addresses, and an old-fashioned snail mail address that people sometimes send things to. Most of those are funneled directly to a small electronic device that I nearly always carry with me. I am absolutely, unquestionably ACCESSIBLE.

The choice I have had to make is when I will be AVAILABLE.

To be accessible means that it is convenient to contact me. To be available implies that I will, at that moment, be open to receiving your contact.

This has been a challenging lesson for me to learn because, I WANT to be liked. I want to make others happy. I want to, as a pastor, be there for people whenever I am needed.

But…sometimes my family needs me to ignore the phone calls, let them go to voicemail, and be present.

Sometimes my mental health is such that I know I will not respond well to an email or contact and should sleep before I respond.

Sometimes I need to physically make a note to follow up with someone, because at this moment my attention should be focused on studying, reading, solitude, or even just playing.

Sometimes, I need to choose to be unavailable, knowing that I will have an uncomfortable conversation later with someone who expects me to be available at all times.

This is not easy, and it is certainly not a lesson that I have learned fully. But sometimes, I need to resolve to be accessible and not available.

Have you ever known that something is wrong, but had no idea how to fix it?

This could be something as simple as having no idea how to set the clock on your microwave. This could be something as embarrassing as not knowing how to get your financial life in order. This could be something as personal as struggling to move past a hurt from your childhood.

In many cases, if we’re uncertain how to initiate the change that we want, we ask a friend for help or maybe google to find a list of potential professionals. But what if the change you want to make involves your emotional health? How do you go about dealing with your depression, anxiety, mood swings, and more?

When we’re in a difficult place emotionally, it can be difficult to parse through the steps we need to take. Furthermore, you may not know what those steps are to begin with. With that in mind, I wanted to write up this post regarding five conversations you should have if you want to get well. Please note, that not every conversation will apply to every person. In that case, feel free to get the dopamine fix by crossing it off of your to-do list. However, I hope that this list will serve as a starting point on your way to health, hope, and healing.

CONVERSATION 1: YOUR DOCTOR

Many adults only visit the doctor when the discomfort of their sickness outweighs the discomfort of the co-pay. Some do not even have a primary care physician (PCP). The anxiety of sitting in front of a doctor (commonly referred to as “White Coat Syndrome“) is a reality to many that keeps them from ever approaching a doctor’s office. Others, despise the idea of being on medication and thus don’t want to take this initial step.

I understand all of those concerns.

However, imagine you were having issues with your balance. This would be exacerbated dramatically if you were someone who wore roller skates everywhere. You would want to take off the roller skates before you try to figure out your balance issues.

Visiting a PCP is a good first step to stabilizing your emotional self SO THAT you can have the best opportunity to heal long-term.

CONVERSATION 2: YOUR PARTNER

I recognize that not everyone reading this may have a partner, so feel free to skip this if it does not apply. However, if your partner is someone you feel you can safely talk to, discuss how you are taking steps to get help. This will help them be more cognizant of changes from you, or even (heaven forbid) if you have some sort of negative reaction to medication.

CONVERSATION 3: A THERAPIST

I recognize this piece may feel overwhelming because of the variety of therapists, counselors, and more you can find with a quick internet search. This may be the place you need the help of your partner (see conversation 2), or a trusted friend (see conversation 5). Some shortcuts to help you on your way may include:

Asking a trusted friend or your pastor for a recommendationChecking to see what therapists are accepted by your insuranceTake a look at the following resources to help you in your search (shout out to my wife for sharing these):Mental Health MatchPsychology TodayTherapy Den

If you do not have a therapist, begin looking for one. And please, PLEASE, do not give up if your first appointment is not a home run. Sometimes you do not “click” with a therapist. Other times, rapport will only be built over time. This is a long-term effort, keep that in mind.

CONVERSATION 4: SOMEONE IN YOUR CHURCH LEADERSHIP

This is specific to those in ministry contexts. No, you do not need to unpack all of your dirty laundry with them. However, a simple conversation of, “Hey…I just want you to know I am working with a therapist. I wanted you to be aware in case someone in the church sees me and asks questions.”

One disclaimer: I say this knowing that stigmas toward mental health are a very real thing. If there is no one in your church leadership you feel that you can trust, there may be bigger questions about your long-term relationship with this congregation that you need to consider.

CONVERSATION 5: A TRUSTED FRIEND

Who has earned the right to speak into your life? Who loves you enough to be honest with you, even if it will hurt?

This final conversation is meant to help build your team for long-term health and well-being. If you know this person loves you and has your best interests in mind, have a conversation about how you are trying to address your mental health.

CONCLUSION

There is a great deal more that could be said, but I hope this list acts as a map to help you take steps toward long-term health and healing.

For mental health resources in your area visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

If you know of someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, encourage them to text HOME to 741741.
A trained volunteer at the National Crisis Text Line will anonymously help navigate whatever crisis they are going through.

This post is part of a series to foster understanding about depression.
Other posts in this series include the following:
Part 1: Challenges to Understanding
Part 2: The Internal Cacophony
Part 3: Fighting Back
Part 4: The Tug of War
Part 5: No Respecter of Persons

I want to support my loved one…but how do I do that?

If you have someone you love who struggles with their mental health, this may be a question you have asked. While I by no means consider myself a mental health expert, my personal experience with mental health, and the position I have chosen to speak publically about my struggles, have led me to answer this type of question more than once.

I have developed what I believe to be, a meaningful two-word answer to the person who wants to support their struggling loved one. No, it does not cover every scenario, but from my personal experience, this intentional action goes MILES toward supporting your loved one in their most difficult of moments.

My two-word advice is always this: BE THERE

BE THERE

Years ago I was having a conversation with a gentleman whose wife dealt with severe depression. He was advised by the therapist, “If she crawls under the table to cry, crawl under the table and just sit with her.”

At the time I could not grasp how poignant those words were.

I would have expected the therapist to advise the husband to “get her meds”, “clean the dishes” or even “leave her be so she can get this out of her system.” However, from that conversation, I began to pay attention to the ways I felt most supported, particularly when I was at my lowest. I began to realize the meaning and intention behind the wisdom the therapist offered. And I began to boil that illustration down to its most basic form, “Be there.”

You see, as I wrote about a couple of weeks ago, mental health struggles often involve an internal tug-of-war causing you to simultaneously know you need help and wanting to isolate yourself from everything and everyone that might help. To “be there” for your loved one means to take whatever actions are necessary to help them feel safe and reassured that they are not alone.

Please note that “Being there” is going to look different depending on various circumstances. You may be across the country and physical presence may be impossible. However, physical presence is not required to be there in support of the person you love. Instead, your form of being there may involve:

Sending regular check-in texts wherein your friend knows just to respond with a number indicating how they are (on a 1-10 scale). Your follow-up texts then offer statements of love, memes, or even affirmations such as, “I realize your brain may be telling you something mean right now, but please know that you mean a lot to me. Here is something I appreciate about you…“When you know they are not doing well, you might drive over with a coffee and a laptop or book, just to sit silently in the same room where they are. As you arrive you may say something like, “You don’t have to entertain me, or even talk to me. I’m going to sit here and work/read, but I just want you to know that you are not alone.”You might give them permission to say anything and everything running through their mind without judgment or fear of backlash.You may ask if you can call and just sit silently on the phone with them. Similar to the suggestion above, the point is not to make them talk, but just to reaffirm to them that if they want to talk, you are there and available for them.

I am sure there are books, courses, and experts with much more sage advice than I can offer. However, if you want to support your loved one, the most straightforward advice that I can offer is boiled down to the intentional, meaningful act of being there.

For mental health resources in your area visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

If you know of someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, encourage them to text HOME to 741741.
A trained volunteer at the National Crisis Text Line will anonymously help navigate whatever crisis they are going through.

This post is part of a series to foster understanding about depression.
Other posts in this series include the following:
Part 1: Challenges to Understanding
Part 2: The Internal Cacophony
Part 3: Fighting Back
Part 4: The Tug of War

In the 1946 classic holiday film It’s a Wonderful Life, the main character – a man named George Bailey – exclaims what may be one of the most un-holiday-like lines in any holiday film ever produced. In a moment of absolute frustration, despair, and apparent hopelessness, George Bailey cries out, “I wish I’d never been born.”

What is even more poignant is how leading up to this statement, Baley could be seen considering taking his own life by jumping off of a bridge.  And it is this brutal moment of authentic honesty that has helped make It’s a Wonderful Life a holiday staple almost 80 years after its release. 

Yes, there’s a happy ending. Yes, there is snow and a Christmas tree. But within the black-and-white images of this Christmas classic is a glimpse of a character who questions if living is worth it. Throughout these moments you can see that George Bailey…feels very alone.

For those who struggle with depression, moments like this can, unfortunately, happen quite often. As I spoke about in previous posts, the internal messages one endures, coupled with the tug-of-war feeling that you DESERVE to go through this fight alone creates a chaotic environment inside one’s mind.

However, I have one point, and one point only, in this post. It is to communicate the following message to those fighting their own invisible battles:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

NO RESPECTER OF PERSONS

Depression does not care about your status, celebrity, or income. Depression can, and will, impact anyone.  

Well-known personalities of history such as Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln were known to carry a very melancholy disposition and wrestle with attitudes characterized by despair. While not diagnosed in their time, nearly everyone that studies what was written by them, and about them, agrees they dealt with depression.

Other modern-day celebrities have also been transparent about their struggles with mental illness.  Such celebrities include singer Lady Gaga, Olympic champion Michael Phelps, and author J.K. Rowling just to name a few. In a 2014 interview following the death of Robin Williams, comedian Wayne Brady discussed his battles with depression, recognizing that if he was willing to talk about his struggle and journey, it may help save the life of someone else. 

Even Time Magazine’s 2016 “Sexiest Man Alive” Dwayne, “The Rock” Johnson has discussed how he has battled depression with statements such as, “I found that, with depression, one of the most important things you could realize is that you’re not alone.”

Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues don’t care about how much money you make or the size of your house. Such issues can, and do, impact people of all types. If this is the type of battle that you are fighting, I hope you walk away able to use the following four words as a mantra in your struggle:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

For mental health resources in your area visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

If you know of someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, encourage them to text HOME to 741741.
A trained volunteer at the National Crisis Text Line will anonymously help navigate whatever crisis they are going through.

This post is part of a series to foster understanding about depression.
Other posts in this series include the following:
11/08/2023 – Part 1: Challenges to Understanding
11/15/2023 – Part 2: The Internal Cacophony
11/22/2023 –Part 3: Fighting Back

When was the last time you played tug of war?

Maybe it was in school. Maybe for you, it was a college intramurals or some team-building activity for work. Then again, maybe you are a part of the Tug of War competition at the International World Games. Regardless, you only need to witness the game once to understand the objective.

In tug of war, two teams line up on opposite sides of a rope, and — using leverage, strength, coordination, and determination — try to pull the other team to your side of the playing area. It’s an example of tension and opposing forces playing out before you in real-time.

And…tug of war is the best illustration I can offer as to why some people overlook or ignore their mental health issues for so long.

You see, within the mind of someone who struggles with mental health is a tug of war happening between LOGIC and EMOTIONS.

On one side, the logical facet of one’s brain says that we should talk to someone about what we are feeling. Logic tells us that we are not weak, we should talk to a doctor, lots of others deal with this and we are not alone.

But one tricky aspect of mental health is that diseases like depression, anxiety, and more will push back and use emotions to convince us differently. Depression will use emotions so that messages like, “You ARE alone. No one understands. You don’t DESERVE to have anyone listen to you about how you feel! You DESERVE to feel miserable. Maybe if you weren’t so WEAK you wouldn’t feel this way.”

You see…it’s not that the person struggling with mental health doesn’t want to feel better. It’s just that the internal tug of war is currently telling them they don’t deserve to feel better or it is impossible to feel better. This is also why someone who wrestles with mental health may be the life of the party one moment and feel dejected and miserable the next.

SHIFTING THE BALANCE IN YOUR FAVOR

It can be immensely frustrating, from both the inside and the outside, to navigate the fluctuating emotions that can come with mental health struggles. Unfortunately, there is also currently no cure-all answer that works for every person in every situation with every diagnosis.

So the question for both those wrestling with mental health and those supporting them is, What can we do? How do we best navigate all of these complexities when so much of the struggle is unseen?

The best advice I can give you is to shift the tug-of-war balance as much as possible in your favor. Then, even if the struggle never entirely goes away, more often than not you are in a winning position.

How do you shift the odds in your favor? I wrote about this last week in my article about how I fight back against depression. Perhaps some of those recommendations will be beneficial for you. Perhaps the best step you can take is to get on medication, double down on your commitment to good sleep, get into talk therapy, or just begin a daily check-in with a trusted friend that you will be honest with about how you feel. Ask around or do an internet search to learn about some new coping mechanisms you might be able to experiment with.

Whatever you do, recognize that this moment is not all there is and the internal struggle will continue. So do whatever you can to shift the balance in your favor.

For mental health resources in your area visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

If you know of someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, encourage them to text HOME to 741741.
A trained volunteer at the National Crisis Text Line will anonymously help navigate whatever crisis they are going through.

This post is part of a series to foster understanding about depression.
Other posts in this series include the following:
11/08/2023 – Part 1: Revealing Challenges to Understanding
11/15/2023 – Part 2: The Internal Cacophony

I grew up knowing that my mom was a diabetic.

Even as a small child, I can recall seeing my mom test her sugar, give herself insulin shots, and more. I remember having conversations about what she should and should not eat, because of the effects she might have to deal with later.

To me, it wasn’t odd. It was just what Mom had to do.

To be transparent, though she lived with it for decades, my mom was never the greatest at taking care of her diabetes. More often than not, she ate the things she knew she shouldn’t. And, on more than one occasion, someone in our family would get mom to drink orange juice, or push a sugar solution into her mouth to bring up her sugar and bring her to a more coherent state.

For me, this also was not that odd. It is just what our family had to do.

It’s not exactly news that anyone who lives with diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid issues, or any number of medical issues can often make a dramatic difference in their quality of life when they actively take steps to manage it every day.

The same is true when we discuss issues of mental health.

While diagnoses of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc are unique in their own right, there are still a myriad of everyday, intentional steps that can be taken to improve one’s quality of life.

LIVING PREVENTATIVELY

Even though I was diagnosed in 2015, it took me longer to realize the impact every day decisions had on my mental health. Specifically, I had to realize how much playing video games until 2:00 AM every night affected me negatively. First off, I was using video games as a drug to numb the chaos inside of me. On more than one occasion I would ignore responsibilities simply so I could zone out in front of a screen Second, while I have always had erratic sleep patterns, staying up so late so frequently only deteriorated my ability to deal with mental health struggles.

Somewhere along the line, I began to realize that my everyday decisions truly made an immense difference in how I felt. This, in turn, made an immense difference in what kind of husband, dad, and pastor I was able to be.

When I am taking care of myself I can be more present. I am much more pleasant to be around. I can be more engaged. I can think more clearly.

THAT DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK

While everyday decisions make a big impact on my emotional well-being, there are still moments, or even days, when depression becomes loud. This could be due to stress, the aforementioned erratic sleep patterns, my medicines not working as well, or any number of items. One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn is how to respond when depression gets loud and everything inside of me feels broken.

While each person is unique, here are some of my go-to approaches for those moments:

Complete a basic, but necessary task. This could include washing the dishes, mowing the lawn, folding laundry, or any number of items. The simple act of completing a task helps me shift from feelings of worthlessness to a sense of accomplishment.Engage my body or mind. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I write. Either way, I begin to process through what my mind is telling me.Go to sleep. Whether this means going to bed early or taking a nap, sometimes sleep is the best reset for my body and mind. No, it doesn’t always fix everything, but I can view the world through a clearer lens when I have slept.Use the NAMI crisis text line.  This is for those more severe moments when depression is not only loud, but suicidal ideation has crept back in. I am healthier now, so this is much more rare, but at times I have used the crisis line just to process my thoughts and be heard. In every case, it has helped me feel as though I am not alone and helped me gain perspective.

Each person is unique, and so I recognize that what works for me may not work for someone else. I would love to hear about approaches you take when you can feel your mental health in a negative place.

But for me…these things are all just part of what I need to do.

For mental health resources in your area visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

If you know of someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, encourage them to text HOME to 741741.
A trained volunteer at the National Crisis Text Line will anonymously help navigate whatever crisis they are going through.

This post is part of a series meant to foster understanding about life with depression.
Other posts in this series include the following:
11/08/2023 – Part 1: Revealing Challenges to Understanding

I need to start this post with a trigger warning.

Seriously…if you are triggered by mentions of suicide, self-harm, or similar themes…please do us both a favor and close this window.

Furthermore, if you are a friend, family member, or part of the church I pastor, and you believe you will struggle to read about those topics specifically when it comes to me…please close this.

I’m not writing this post for pity. I’m not writing this post for attention.

I’m writing this post because I believe it needs to be written.

I’m writing this to speak for those who may not have the words to say.

I’m writing to develop understanding among those who want to show compassion for someone they love.

SEEING CLEARLY

If you have ever gotten new glasses, you understand what it’s like to suddenly see the world clearly. Previously, you had gotten used to walking around with a slight blur. It didn’t happen all at once, or else you would have noticed it. Instead, over time your view of the world just got worse bit by bit.

It was only when you put on the new glasses for the first time that you realized, “WOW. That was so much worse than I thought!”

As I wrote about previously, I was diagnosed with depression in 2015. With that diagnosis, I began to take anti-depressants and, for the first time, began to see the world clearly.

I distinctly remember saying to my wife, Kara, “You mean not everyone walks around with a boiling ball of rage inside their stomach? Not everyone feels like they might harm someone else or even themselves at any moment?”

My wife is a marriage and family therapist, and thus, no stranger to mental health issues. Yet she looked at me with surprise and said, “No…no we don’t.”

You see, I had gotten used to my blurry perspective of the world.

Especially when it came to myself.

INSIDE MY MIND

Are you familiar with the term “cacophony?”

The word is used to describe a mixture of bad, loud, or even piercing sounds. If you imagine a bunch of metal pans falling on a concrete floor or a school full of elementary students all producing a piercing type of scream at once, you have a good idea.

“A constant cacophony of hateful messages” is the best way I can describe what it is like inside my mind during those days or moments when depression is particularly loud. For most people, an intrusive thought of, “You don’t deserve to be alive” can be dismissed without much effort.

But that is much more difficult when the cacophony of messages is constant.

When every compliment offered is reflexively brushed aside in your mind as “They didn’t mean it…they’re just being nice.”

When your brain interprets every slight negative as a massive failure on your part because someone else would have done it right…

When you are convinced that any and all things positive happen in spite of you and your ineptness…

When your mind tells you from the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep that you don’t deserve to be alive…that everyone would be better off without you…that you should do everyone a favor and kill yourself because you’re not worth the oxygen you breathe…

Like water dripping on a rock, it is only a matter of time before the endless cacophony of messages wears down any strength you have.

For me, depression meant that every moment of every day was a struggle to hear anything BUT those internal messages. Thus any moment I could escape the noise whether through sleep, video games, or anything else, was a welcome momentary respite from a fight no one else could see.

I learned to hate myself because my depression had convinced me that was what I deserved. Furthermore, the well-intentioned but misguided religious answers of, “Just pray about it!” or “Just have the joy of the Lord!” only reinforced how I was a failure as a Christian and especially as a pastor.

It was not until I was diagnosed and began to make changes that my blurry perspective began to change and I began to see the world differently.

NOT ALL FIXED, BUT DEFINITELY MUCH BETTER

I would love to say that today I am wholly and utterly “fixed.” But that’s not true.

I can say I’m better. I can say I’m healthier. I can say that depressive thoughts tend to focus on my achievements and abilities rather than my inherent worth. I can say that when suicidal thoughts pop in they are much more easily dismissed.

I’m not all fixed. I am, however, much better.

In a future post, I’ll write more about how I now take an active role in cultivating a healthier mind and know better how to respond when depression gets loud.

For today, know that sometimes depression still does get loud. Depression still rears its ugly head. Depression still sends me lots of mean, insulting messages. And, much to my dismay, I recognize that this may be a battle I have to fight for the rest of my life.

But…I’m still getting better.

For mental health resources in your area visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

If you know of someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, encourage them to text HOME to 741741.
A trained volunteer at the National Crisis Text Line will anonymously help navigate whatever crisis they are going through.