Abusive Mother Quotes

“The happy family is a myth for many.”
― Carolyn Spring

“One sister may internalize the message and say, “Okay, I will show you what I can do and how worthy I am” and become an overachiever and a perfectionist. The other sister may internalize this message of inferiority and give up, feeling that she can’t make the grade anyway; she becomes an underachiever or engages in some kind of lifelong self-sabotage.”
― Karyl McBride, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“For many people, the shock of sexual abuse pales before the shock of this mother’s statement, “I wish the fuck I never had her.” So thoroughly is motherhood sentimentalized that the mother who wishes to be rid of her child is considered a monster. In reality, women have always greeted the burden of motherhood ambivalently, even in the best of circumstances, and many women bear children involuntarily. But the approbrium which attaches to any woman who willing gives up her child is so great that some mothers will keep and mistreat their children rather than admit that they cannot care for them. Sometimes, the revelation of maternal neglect constitutes a plea for outside intervention, signaling the fact that a mother wants to be relieved of the duty to care for her child.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Father-Daughter Incest

“She shrieked and shrieked for her mother, but her mother was already there. Her mother was the monster.”
― Holly Black, The Coldest Girl in Coldtown

“Children who live with a predatory mother become unconsciously preoccupied with reading their mother’s moods. A fleeting glance, a furtive gesture, deceleration, and a shift of direction are signals of an approaching Turn. Bracing, hiding, or merely holding on gives children a much-needed sense of control. Shutting down, avoiding eye contact, and getting away are other means of establishing control.”
― Christine Ann Lawson, Understanding the Borderline Mother

“The borderline’s children are preoccupied with what researchers call “risk assessment”—with determining the nature of their mother’s state of mind from one moment to the next. It is an unconscious and involuntary process, like breathing. They do not realize they are doing it.”
― Christine Ann Lawson, Understanding the Borderline Mother

“In some instances, even when crisis intervention has been intensive and appropriate, the mother and daughter are already so deeply estranged at the time of disclosure that the bond between them seems irreparable. In this situation, no useful purpose is served by trying to separate the mother and father and keep the daughter at home. The daughter has already been emotionally expelled from her family; removing her to protective custody is simply the concrete expression of the family reality.
These are the cases which many agencies call their “tragedies.” This report of a child protective worker illustrates a case where removing the child from the home was the only reasonable course of action:

Division of Family and Children’s Services received an anonymous telephone call on Sept. 14 from a man who stated that he
overheard Tracy W., age 8, of [address] tell his daughter of a forced oral-genital assault, allegedly perpetrated against this child by her mother’s boyfriend, one Raymond S.

Two workers visited the W. home on Sept. 17. According to their report, Mrs. W. was heavily under the influence of alcohol at the time of the visit. Mrs. W. stated immediately that she was aware why the two workers wanted to see her, because Mr. S. had “hurt her little girl.” In the course of the interview, Mrs. W. acknowledged and described how Mr. S. had forced Tracy to have relations with him. Workers then interviewed Tracy and she verified what mother had stated. According to Mrs. W., Mr. S. admitted the sexual assault, claiming that he was drunk and not accountable for his actions. Mother then stated to workers that she banished Mr. S. from her home.

I had my first contact with mother and child at their home on Sept. 20 and I subsequently saw this family once a week. Mother was usually intoxicated and drinking beer when I saw her. I met Mr. S. on my second visit. Mr. S. denied having had any sexual relations with Tracy. Mother explained that she had obtained a license and planned to marry Mr. S.

On my third visit, Mrs. W. was again intoxicated and drinking despite my previous request that she not drink during my visit. Mother explained that Mr. S. had taken off to another state and she never wanted to see him again. On this visit mother demanded that Tracy tell me the details of her sexual involvement with Mr. S.
On my fourth visit, Mr. S. and Mrs. S. were present. Mother explained that they had been married the previous Saturday.
On my fifth visit, Mr. S. was not present. During our discussion, mother commented that “Bay was not the first one who had
Tracy.” After exploring this statement with mother and Tracy, it became clear that Tracy had been sexually exploited in the same manner at age six by another of Mrs. S.'s previous boyfriends.
On my sixth visit, Mrs. S. stated that she could accept Tracy’s being placed with another family as long as it did not appear to Tracy that it was her mother’s decision to give her up. Mother also commented, “I wish the fuck I never had her.”

It appears that Mrs. S. has had a number of other children all of whom have lived with other relatives or were in foster care for part of their lives. Tracy herself lived with a paternal aunt from birth to age five.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Father-Daughter Incest

“More than one personality was created in the hope of being the daughter Nancy could consistently love. More than one new personality was created in response to Mother's unexpected fury.”
― Joan Frances Casey, The Flock: The Autobiography of a Multiple Personality

“Because she lives in a state of alarm, she notices things that others miss.”
― Christine Ann Lawson, Understanding the Borderline Mother

“Jo tried to think about her suspicion that Lynn liked her. She figured that Lynn was nice to her because she was a patient. Jo's mother had shown her what it meant to have a professional mask. The times Jo saw her mother at work in the lab, busy and efficient as she drew blood and marked vials. Nancy smiled warmly at the patients, ready with a sympathetic comment. If a patient or a doctor called Nancy at home, she immediately became the caring professional, no matter what had been happening before the phone rang. When Lynn hung up after an evening phone call from Missy, Jo suspected that Lynn resumed screaming at her husband or kids.”
― Joan Frances Casey, The Flock: The Autobiography of a Multiple Personality

“Ernest Wolf (1988) explains that “merger-hungry” personalities need to control others completely. The borderline Witch’s merger-hungry personality leaves her children feeling devoured, suffocated, oppressed, and imprisoned. Even as adults, her children may dream about prison camps, holocausts, invasions, wars, and natural disasters. They fear for their survival.”
― Christine Ann Lawson, Understanding the Borderline Mother

“Nancy was as proud as she was critical of her younger daughter. She spoke glowingly about the precocious little girl who said her first sentence at seven months and walked at ten months.”
― Joan Frances Casey, The Flock: The Autobiography of a Multiple Personality

“Tears fall down my cheeks while I drive home, trying desperately to process everything. Laura suggested that Mom was abusive. My whole life, my entire existence has been oriented to the narrative that Mom wants what's best for me, Mom does what's best for me, Mom knows what's best for me. Even in the past, when resentments started to creep in or wedges started to come between us, I have checked those resentments and wedges, I have curbed them so that I can move forward with this narrative
intact, this narrative that feels essential to my survival. If Mom really didn't want what was best for me, or do what was best for me, or know what was best for me, that means my entire life, my entire point of view, and my entire identity have been built on a false foundation. And if my entire life and point of view and identity have been built on a false foundation, confronting that false foundation would mean destroying it and rebuilding a new foundation from the ground up. I have no idea how to go about doing this. I have no idea how to go about life without doing it in the shadow of my mother, without my every move being dictated by her wants, her needs, her approval.”
― Jennette McCurdy, I'm Glad My Mom Died

“I let go of my guilt—because I’m not a perfect daughter. I let go of my fear—because I can’t change who I am, and she’s going to find out sooner or later. And I let go of my responsibility—I’m the kid here. She’s the parent. It’s not my job to take care of her; she’s supposed to take care of me.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“Inside her head, where her mother couldn't hear, Ada screamed.”
― Jodi Meadows, My Imaginary Mary

“It’s easier to be quiet, and unsettled, and just feed my mother the nodding agreement she wants. It changes nothing, but it brings a bit of peace to the ride home.
For now, peace is good enough.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“I don’t want to call my mother a homophobe and a transphobe, but, god, it’s all right there on the surface.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“How long does my mother’s happiness have to come first?”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“Emma, Emma, Emma,” my mother mocks, waving a hand. “She must be loving all of this attention. Those people do. I mean, look at that disgraceful display tonight!”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“My mother’s voice is a blade. It slices between us, severing our conversation. Her perfect veneer falters, revealing all the cracks underneath. She’s so close to breaking. We pass beneath a traffic light. Her face glows green for a moment, then goes dark. And when the dark comes again, everything’s smoothed back into place.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“My mom’s not going to pleasantly surprise me with her reaction. I know her. I know how this goes. At night, when I put my hands together and try to think of something to pray for that isn’t selfish, I ask for peace of mind for my mom. For acceptance. Or even tolerance. I sit with this huge secret, praying for divine intervention, because I know I haven’t misjudged her.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“my being a lesbian still wouldn’t be okay with her. She doesn’t even have the vocabulary to understand who I am. In her world, in her mind, there’s gay and there’s normal. And that means, if I’m not straight, I’m not normal.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“Call me selfish; maybe I am selfish. But I’m selfish and afraid. I’ve done the research. Forty percent of homeless teens are queer. A quarter of queer kids get kicked out when they come out. It’s a long, long summer before college starts in the fall. I mean, at least I have a car. The title’s in my name. She can’t take that from me. Wow. That’s my silver lining. I have a car I can live in when my mother inevitably kicks me out. Because I know, in my heart, that Mom didn’t soften up about the gay issue and prom. She changed her mind because she didn’t want me to miss my prom. And, based on the increasingly desperate hammering on the bathroom door, I’m about to miss it anyway.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“Somehow, I end up in a cloud of my mother’s hugs. I hold on for so long; I don’t want to let go. I know what happens next, and I want this moment—when she still loves me—to linger just a little longer. These are the arms that taught me to ride a bike, and comforted me when I had nightmares. These are the arms that lifted me up when I fell, and pushed me toward things I wanted but wasn’t quite brave enough to grasp on my own. One last time, I gather my strength in her embrace. Mom pulls away, swiping at her eyes. “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“I back away from her, because I don’t know this woman. This calculating, manipulative person masquerading as my mother is terrifying. She stepped right out of Game of Thrones and into Game of Proms. And she won. I have to get away from Elena Lannister Greene. If I look at her for one more second, I’m honestly afraid I might throw up.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“She’s been using her mom as the reason she can’t come out for months, and suddenly I realize, it’s not a reason. It’s an excuse. Yeah, her mom is obviously a bigot and a homophobe, but it looks like Alyssa’s carrying some of that on her own.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“Mom, I love you. And I’m so grateful to you, for all you do for me. For all you’ve done for me since Dad left.” “Alyssa!” she whispers, scandalized. I’ve spoken it aloud, the truth we don’t discuss. But I go on. “And I know this is going to be another thing that’s hard on you. But, Mom, I’m gay. I’ve always been gay. And to answer the questions I know you want to ask, nobody did this to me. Nobody hurt me. You didn’t do anything wrong. This is who I am; I’m proud of who I am. You know everything about me, and it’s been so hard keeping this from you. Too hard. I can’t do it anymore. Mom, I’m gay.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“I see her fighting to keep it together. To look perfect, be perfect. She fights for a smile and whispers at me again. “Alyssa, that’s quite enough.” Shaking my head, I say, “No. I’ve put this off for way too long. And I’ve hurt someone so precious to me, in a way I can’t ever expect her to forgive. I was Emma Nolan’s date to the prom, Mom. We were supposed to go together, and I let her down.” Now my mother starts to cry. “Stop it. Just stop it. Alyssa, I’m sorry, but this is not who you really are. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s not real. You’re young and you’re confused.” “I’m not confused. I’m in love.” Mom stamps at the ground, jabbing an accusing finger at Mr. Glickman and Ms. Allen. “This is their fault. They’re putting ideas into your head, and they’re forcing me to be someone I don’t want to be. You are young, you are impressionable, and I’m sick of this. This ends now.” For the first time since my mother appeared, Mr. Glickman speaks. “If you don’t let her be who she is, you’re going to lose her.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“It hits me in a sudden wave. In a crashing of thunder. I wobble on unsteady legs, gathering my senses and my balance at the same time. My mom knows. The secret is out. No more lying, no more pretending. From here on out, when she looks at me, she’ll see who I really am. She doesn’t have the words yet, but she knows. And—somehow, improbably—she still loves me.”
― Saundra Mitchell, The Prom: A Novel Based on the Hit Broadway Musical

“Sometimes when I miss her, I start to fantasize about what life would be like if she were still alive and I imagine she'd have apologized and we'd have wept in each other's arms and promised each other we'd start fresh . . . but then I realize I'm just romanticizing the dead in the same way I wish everyone else wouldn't.”
― Jennette McCurdy, I'm Glad My Mom Died