Ph_ilip

“I’m sorry, ma’am. Your daughter died of laughter. It’s an infectious disease. I did everything I could.”
― Liesl Shurtliff, Red: The (Fairly) True Tale of Red Riding Hood

“Disconnecting the call before Mimi could lambaste her further, she tossed the phone on the bed and darted for the bathroom. Her toe caught on the bedpost, sending a shot of pain through her foot and up her leg. Howling with righteous indignation, she called the bed a few choice names as she hobbled her way to the tub. Performing the world’s fastest strip down, she jumped into the shower and nearly slipped. “Holy fright,” she barked, catching herself on the handrail. Her brain was still groggy with sleep, her toe ached like a mofo, and she’d almost head-butted herself with the shower. This was clearly not her day. Like, at all. She needed a strong cup of coffee, STAT. And better karma. And apparently, a new alarm clock. Lathering the shampoo into her long, unruly curls, Evangeline replayed her evening. She had read for an hour before turning off the bedside lamp, and she distinctly remembered flipping the alarm to the on position. Having purchased the alarm clock radio at a secondhand store in what she thought was a great deal, she now figured it was past its prime, and she’d need to buy a new one when she got paid on Friday. Because who wouldn’t love to spend what little she earned on a new small appliance? After playing the lather-and-rinse game with the conditioner, she washed her body before carefully stepping from the shower to grab a towel. The last thing she needed was to do the splits across the linoleum floor. Her dang toe still throbbed to the tempo of an agitated mariachi band. After a quick towel drying that left her hair dripping rivulets down her back, she chose a blousy blue top, black gaucho pants, and a pair of ballet flats, which she managed to slip into without ripping, breaking, or slipping on anything.”
― Andris Bear, Enter the Witch: A Cozy Paranormal Mystery

“Kira jerked awake and moved to stand up, promptly smacking her forehead against Luke's chin. "Ow." Kira brought her hand to her head, rubbing the now aching spot. "Luke, there is this little thing called personal space..." He cupped his jaw, moving it around to fix the slight displacement Kira had caused. "Hey, I was just trying to wake you up. How was I supposed to know you'd shoot up like the Energizer Bunny?”
― Kaitlyn Davis, Simmer

“we’ll shove it up their ass.”
― Barack Obama, A Promised Land