Status Updates From The Grieving Brain: The Sur...

What-Ifs: Even when counter-factual thinking involves guilt/shame, our brain still seems to prefer it over the gut wrenching truth of the loss; at least guilt means we had some control over the situation. Believing we had control, even if we failed to use it, means the world is not completely unpredictable. It feels better to have bad outcomes in a predictable world rather than bad outcomes for no discernible reason.

Intrusive thoughts in grief are normal. They are memories that come to mind suddenly & spontaneously with us intending to recall them. These involuntary memories may be upsetting, but they are not actually more frequent than voluntary ones. They only seem more frequent because they upset us more and we are not prepared for the emotions they bring, so we remember their occurrence more acutely.

Depression & grief have some overlap but are not the same thing. Yearning is one variable that separates out grief- there is no specific person or thing that depressed people fixate on. Depression is a more global intrapersonal experience that attaches itself to past, present & future. However, preexisting depression increases yearning after a loss, and yearning predicts prolonged grief disorder more than depression.

CGT- Complicated Grief Treatment was developed by Kathy Shear at Columbia University & is a 16-week therapy that has been shown to be effective in treating complicated grief. It includes psychoeducation on how grief works, building awareness of thoughts & feelings, exposure elements to build acceptance of the loss, finding small goals of interest, building social connections & guided imagined convos w/the deceased.

In the Dual-Process model of grief, it is not just loss-oriented stressors that are recognized. Restoration-oriented stressors are tasks we now have to do because the loss person is gone (grocery shopping by ourselves, taxes, driving, parenting alone, etc). We have to make new choices & develop new goals in the face of our new reality in restoring a meaningful life. It is normal to oscillate between the two states.

Why does the mistaken linear 5-stage model of grief persist so strongly in people’s minds & in our culture? Likely because of the cultural normativity of the monomyth-The Hero’s Journey- found in countless popular stories. The protagonist enters a strange frightening new world & must complete difficult tasks, returning transformed with new wisdom. Thru this lens we mistakenly see the 5 stages as tasks to complete

Parasocial Grief is strong grief over the death of a celebrity (even when not known personally) and is very real. People are represented in the virtual reality of our brains, and there is much information about celebrities in the public to build these maps of attachment. They seem “special & are “always there for you” (ie in their movies, shows, music etc); these are often consumed in a height. emotional state.