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Severus said nothing, choosing to silently stalk past her, imagining various scenarios where he finds some form of revenge on his ward.

“No angry ‘do not call me that’, or even a ‘it is not a good morning’?” Nymphadora called to his back.

“No,” he said curtly, never breaking his stride. “I will not reward your attempts to irritate me with a response.”

“You just did!” Nymphadora’s tinkling laugh echoed in the dungeons behind him as he cursed himself and ascended the stairs.

Damn her, he swore irritably. And damn Potter.

By the time Severus made it to breakfast, he was in an incredibly irritable mood. A mood that was worsened when Pomona slid him a parchment.

“Inspections,” he read flatly. “You cannot be serious.”

“Afraid so.” Pomona’s usual cheer was diminished, leaving her with a scowl reminiscent of his own. “She’s looking to fire people, I think.”

“Who does she think will be fired?” Filius whispered shrilly from Pomona’s other side. “We are all superb professors in our fields!”

“Perhaps not all of us,” Severus suggested with a pointed look at Sybill’s ever empty seat and where Wilhelmina sat in Rubeus’.

“When are you scheduled Severus?” Minerva asked him curtly, refusing to insult their fellow professors.

Severus scanned the parchment once more until he found his name. “Tomorrow with my fifth years,” he sighed. “A coincidence that she’s inspecting me when I have Harry?”

Dolores held an improper interest in his child, it made his skin prickle with unease when she simpered after Potter in the same manner she did Severus. He believed Potter was vigilant and naturally intuitive enough to avoid the foul woman, but he had requested that Blaise and Theodore not leave him alone with her either.

“Doubtful,” Pomona sighed, sliding the parchment back in front of herself. “Seeing as she’s inspecting during my fifth year Hufflepuff-Slytherin class as well.”

“Give me that.” Minerva snatched the parchment and her lips thinned to a harsh slash as she carefully read over the schedule of ‘inspections’. “Merlin, Severus, she’s scheduled all of her inspections during Harry’s classes.”

“Delightful,” Severus drawled, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “Do tell me how Harry handles it, will you?”

“As long as she doesn’t insult you and he doesn’t pull a knife out, I imagine she may survive,” Pomona said with a playful smile.

Severus and Minerva both sighed at the reminder of Potter’s current defense syllabus for his club. According to the gossip, much of which came from Pomona herself, it seemed as if Potter had decided to teach his fellow students how to defend themselves with muggle weapons. It was as unsurprising as it was absurd.

Perhaps also a touch humorous. Severus had struggled to maintain a blank expression when he encountered a group of legacy pureblooded Slytherin’s debating the better stance for stabbing an attacker with a knife.

“I imagine it’ll depend on what she says and what his mood is,” Filius told his fellow professors with a short chuckle. “I’m sure he’ll have something to say if he doesn’t like what she does though.”

Severus studied Potter over the top of his mug. His lips curled up in a smile as he considered Filius’ words. “Yes,” he murmured, entertained at the idea of Potter unleashing his impertinent cheek on Fudge’s lackey. “I am certain he will have something to say.”



Despite Severus’ morning, it seemed as if his day were heading uphill after that. He received a letter from Barty, agreeing to watch over Potter and his friends during the Christmas holidays while he was at Hogwarts, and another from Narcissa informing him that she had received a short message from Lucius signaling that he was still safe.

His students were distracted as they attempted to talk quietly in his classroom about their upcoming holidays, but there were no explosions, nor injuries. An accomplishment of no small matter considering he had his first years that morning.

Severus had debated on joining the other professors for lunch, but as he had a copious amount of essays to grade and Dolores never missed the afternoon meal, he decided that he would hear about Filius and Minerva’s inspections at the end of the day.



Severus cautiously made his way to dinner that evening, his curiosity tampered down as he was certain he would be unable to receive any answers until after dinner when Dolores was not present. Severus, as usual, glanced up at the glass displays of the house points as he passed them...

Then he had to immediately back up and study them more carefully.

Slytherin had been in third place this morning, behind Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, and yet they were now tied for second alongside Hufflepuff with Ravenclaw barely fifty points in the lead.

Severus unabashedly played favorites with his house, an obvious attempt to offset the blatant discrimination his snakes faced daily within these walls, but this had not been his doing. He made his way to the Head Table, taking his accustomed seat between Minerva and Pomona, incredibly curious as to which of his snakes had accrued so many points in the course of the day. Severus’ eyes flicked over the Slytherin table, looking over each student, until lingering on Potter on the very end.

“Pomona, you wouldn’t happen to know which student I should praise for their accomplishments today, do you?” Severus murmured under the cover of the students all serving themselves and talking loudly amongst their peers.

“It would probably be best to allow Minerva to tell you,” Pomona said. Her lips were trembling with what seemed to be a tremendous effort to taper back a laugh.

Severus glanced at Minerva, who was splitting her time between flaring her nostrils at Dolores, who was seated on the other side of Albus, and smiling down in to her tea.

“I suppose it went well then?” Severus asked Minerva softly.

Minerva’s eyes were hazel pools of endless mirth when she did finally look over at Severus. “Would you care for a nightcap tonight Severus? I do believe I owe you something rare... Perhaps that vintage bottle of Macallan?”

Potter.

Potter was certainly involved if Minerva looked that terrible amused and was offering up one of her most coveted bottles of scotch.

“Certainly,” Severus said evenly. “Your office, after rounds?”

“I’ll bring Filius and Pomona as well,” Minerva said.

Which promised to provide adequate entertainment. At a minimum, Severus would learn how his farce of an inspection was meant to go the next day.



And he did.

Almost the instant that Severus entered Minerva’s office, Filius burst out in to uncontrollable laughter.

“The inspections are ridiculous,” he said between laughs. “Dolores couldn’t tell a charm from a hex if it bit her in her gaudy pink cardigan!”

“Oh?” Severus accepted a drink from Minerva and settled into the open chair beside Filius, across from the two witches. “Do tell.”

“Start off with what she said to you,” Pomona said, her round cheeks already rosy from the nearly empty glass in her hands.

“Oooh,” Filius’ eyes narrowed angrily now. “Do you have any idea what that— that amphibian looking supposed witch asked me? She asked if I was a ‘real wizard’ or if I was part goblin!”

“No!” Minerva gasped, outraged. “She didn’t!”

“She did!” Filius cried. “And I told her I was both a ‘real wizard’ and proud part goblin!”

Severus was shocked at Dolores’ audacity. To question and insult a professor’s heritage? It was disgusting.

“And Miss Bones didn’t like that at all,” Filius said, his anger quickly replaced with amusement once more. “She told Dolores that ‘as she is sure the undersecretary to the Minister was fully aware’ that the International Dueling Administration only allows Wixen to participate. Dolores asked her, oblivious as can be, how that was relevant, and d’you know what that little spitfire said?” Filius was overcome with chuckles once again. “She said— said— ‘since Professor Flitwick is the seven time world champion, maybe he’ll demonstrate to you its relevance!’”

Severus was able to let out a short laugh of his own at that, as the others positively howled. Miss Bones was incredibly entertaining when her precise and sweetly spoken insults were not aimed in his direction.

“I love that girl,” Pomona said with a happy sigh.

“Did the rest of your inspection go well after that?” Minerva asked with a bite of impatience.

Severus thought perhaps she was eager to share her own experience with Dolores.

“Well, I was going over some remedial questions the students are likely to get on their OWL exam, as a sort of study session. Dolores was reading over my shoulder, asking a million questions. And she asked the class what the Vermillious charm was— trying to see if I had ‘taught them properly’— and Potter said, cool as can be, he said it summons toads!!”

Minerva sputtered on her drink while Severus groaned.

“What did she say to that?” The cheek of his ward was truly endless at times.

“She gave him ten points! Said it was an excellent answer!”

Severus blinked once, twice, three times.

“She said... summoning toads... was the correct answer to the charm that sends red sparks in the sky... the first year charm?” he repeated slowly.

Filius’ eyes had never glittered more when he nodded. “Yes.”

It was this absolute proof of both the ministry’s incompetence, alongside Dolores’ idiocy, that sent Severus over the edge in to true laughter with his co-workers.

“My turn!” Minerva cried, refilling their glasses with a heavy hand. “When I entered the classroom, that woman was already sitting in a chair beside my desk. I, of course, ignored her.”

“Of course,” Pomona said solemnly. “Minerva McGonagall would never acknowledge the presence of such a woman.”

“Precisely,” Minerva said. “I began instructing the class and Dolores decided to do that ghastly cough of hers.”

”Hem, hem,” Filius coughed in a passage imitation.

“Ugh,” Minerva’s entire face twitched at the noise. “I continued to ignore her presence until it was clear she was distracting my entire class. She then asks if I’m aware I’m being inspected today.”

Severus took another long drink, his lips curled up in anticipation of Minerva’s response.

“And I told her obviously I had or I would be wondering why she was in my room, wouldn’t I?”

“And she wonders why her lions are so cheeky,” Pomona stage whispered to Filius.

“Hush,” Minerva said with a proud smile. “It gets better Pomona, trust me. This absolute horror of a woman then interrupts me again when I’m lecturing the students on Vanishing Spells, so I asked how she expects to get an accurate representation of my teaching methods when she insists on interrupting me, as I do not permit others to speak when I am speaking.”

Pomona let out a short laugh that was more of a shriek than a true laugh. “Brilliant,” she said.

“I know,” Minerva said drily. “So I instruct Bulstrode and Macmillan to hand out the mice, and Dolores starts in on her questions,” Minerva rolled her eyes. “‘How long have you taught here?’ ‘Do you enjoy your position as Deputy Headmistress?’ ‘Do you believe you can adequately teach and fulfill your other duties?’”

“She’s after your spot Minerva,” Filius said with all the wisdom he was able while swaying in his chair. “Deputy first, Headmistress next!”

“I shudder to imagine Hogwarts in such a state,” Severus said bluntly. “I imagine I would resign immediately.”

“You wouldn’t,” Minerva pointed a finger at him, “and do you know why? Because of that child you have raised to become an absolute insubordinate brat,” she said with much more warmth than the insult implied. “When Dolores asked me if I felt as if vanishing mice was a fifth year spell or not, Harry summoned his owl and vanished it silently with a tap of his finger.”

Severus allowed himself a satisfied smirk at what he was certain was quite the show of power to someone as magically inept as Dolores.

“Then he looks right at her Severus, and says ‘Professor McGonagall taught me everything I know’.”

“What a liar,” Pomona laughed. “That boy showed up here ready to pass his NEWTS.”

“He’d be top of the school if you could read a damn thing he wrote,” Filius slurred with a smile.

“I assume this is how Slytherin wound up with such a gain in points today?” Severus asked Minerva.

“As if I would award points for a ridiculous and needless defense of me to a coworker Severus,” McGonagall sniffed haughtily, turning her nose in the air. “I awarded Harry fifty points for excellent use of the summoning charm after his owl chased Dolores from my classroom, pecking his beak right in her smug face, and he summoned him back.”

It was a mark of how much the mental image brought such joy to the other professors that none complained of the blatant disregard of the rules surrounding the point system.

“Harry certainly has seemed to taken a side against Dolores,” Pomona said after they finished laughing and refilling their drinks.

“He has,” Severus agreed lightly. “Although I’m afraid that Dolores may be unaware of where he stands.”

“Pity,” Minerva grinned wryly. “One can only hope that the newly recombined efforts of Harry and Fred Weasley can eventually bring the defense curse down on Dolores.”

“The sooner the better,” Filius raised his glass.

It wasn’t often that the heads of the Hogwarts houses had a cause to celebrate something unanimously, but they did all toast to Dolores getting precisely what she deserved.



The next afternoon, Severus felt as if he were as prepared to host ‘the Hogwarts High Inquisitor’ as he could be. That is to say, he changed nothing at all and prepared for his fifth years as usual.

“Hello Severus,” Dolores entered his classroom ten minutes before his class was meant to start, eyelashes fluttering and a wide smile on her face.

“Dolores,” Severus responded stiffly.

“You know I’ll be evaluating you today?” she asked sweetly. “Of course this is all just a technicality, we both know you’re an exceptional professor, don’t we?”

Severus hummed noncommittally, unwilling to be forced to banter with her. He busied himself with straightening various stacks of paper on his desk as she roamed around, inspecting the jars of ingredients that decorate the walls.

“How long have you worked here Severus?” she asked, standing on her tiptoes to get a better look at a pickled rattlesnake.

“Fourteen years.”

”Hem, hem,” Dolores cleared her throat and turned to flutter her nearly nonexistent eyelashes at him once more. “You were very young.”

“Indeed,” Severus said curtly.

He hadn’t been ‘very young’, at only twenty one he’d been the youngest ever, but it was hardly a distinction that needed clarified. Certainly not when his students were finally filtering in, offering an excellent distraction.

“Harry, what a surprise!” Dolores said, gliding over to the corner desk that Potter and Draco always utilized. “You’re in this class then?”

As if she had no idea...

“Clearly,” Harry drawled. “I’d look like a bit of a prat if I was just hanging out in other classes, wouldn’t I?”

Ronald snickered quietly and Severus himself felt a smile tug at his lips.

“Of course, of course,” Dolores positively simpered, in the most disturbing manner. She patted her greying curls and took a few steps away from the boys’ desk. “Do you enjoy potions?”

“Yup.”

“Do you believe Severus is a competent teacher?”

“Yup.”

“Wonderful,” Dolores smiled despite Potter’s short and disinterested responses. “Well Severus, why don’t I just let you get started then?” she said with an unflappable smile aimed in his direction.

Severus said nothing, as it was a statement born of an overinflated sense of self-importance and thus required no response.

“The potion for today—“ Severus tapped his board with his wand, the recipe he desired appearing immediately, “is on the board. This will undoubtedly be one of five possible brews you will be tested on for your OWLS.” Severus let his eyes linger on Finnigan, Longbottom, Bulstrode, and Goyle before curling a lip up in pre-annoyance. “Do try to not blow anything up, as you are aware, we do have a guest present. Begin.”

The students immediately began scrambling for their supplies, none of them paying any attention to Dolores and the scratching of her quill on the clipboard she carried.

Severus decided that carrying on as normal was his best course of plan, even if every time he heard that quill scratch something it made him want to snap it in half.

“Have you always taught potions Severus?” Dolores asked while Severus swept between the students, offering both insults and advice in equal amounts.

“I have,” he said curtly. “Weasley, mince the spleen, do not dice it lest you cause your mixture to be too thin.”

“Yes sir,” Weasley mumbled, adjusting his grip on the knife and correcting his cuts.

Severus strode over to the Gryffindor side, “Five points from Gryffindor for a sloppy workspace,” he told Brown, spotting a mess spilling out of her bag right next to the open flame beneath her cauldron. “Clear this garbage away before you create an explosion, idiot girl.”

“Why did you apply for the defense position so many times?”

Do not kill her... Set an example for Potter...

Severus held a vision of strangling the life from Dolores bloated throat as he gave her an impassive look. “Because I desired the position, clearly,” he said coolly.

“Then why did Albus never give it to you?” Dolores asked with all the believable innocence of a dementor.

“You would have to ask him,” Severus grit out.

Do not kill her... Do not curse her... Show Potter how to deal with others as an adult...

Severus glanced at Potter, hoping to see his child understanding the effort of civility he was putting on display. Potter was smirking at him, as if amused by his rapidly diminishing patience. He likely was. The child was an incorrigible brat.

“Oh I will,” Dolores said in her saccharine voice. “If I were Albus, I would have given you the position Severus,” she all but purred his name in the most disgusting way.

BOOM!

Severus head distracted from Dolores’ purring by the explosion of Brown’s cauldron.

“Idiot,” Severus snarled at the Gryffindor girl. “Did I not tell you to clean away your belongings?”

“I did!” Brown cried. “I swear Professor! I don’t know what happened!”

Severus looked her and Patil over and saw no injuries. He bent down to sift through the now ruined cauldron and pulled an ash covered hair bauble from the mess. “This would be the problem,” he hissed. “Twenty points from Gryffindor and detention with Filch tomorrow night.”

“She put it in her bag! I saw her do it sir,” Patil said, leaping to her partners defense. “I don’t know how it got there—“

“Silence before you join her,” Severus said firmly. “Clean this mess up immediately.”

A few of the less composed Slytherin’s chuckled at his dressing down of the girls, but Merlin if Severus wasn’t exhausted by negligence creating so many hazards within his classroom. He swept a discerning eye over the room and quirked a brow at Dolores, who was wiping soot off her sweater and sputtering. Apparently she had been rather close to the cauldron, pity.

“Does this happen often?” she demanded, her tone no longer flirtatious, thank God.

“Only when the students are behaving especially carelessly,” Severus said drily. He glanced towards Potter as his ward leaned over to whisper something to Draco and internally sighed at the look of glee on the child’s face.

Surely not...

“Professor Umbridge, you have a bit of dirt on your neck there,” Potter said politely.

And yet...

The mystery of how Brown’s hair bauble magically moved from her bag to her fire now solved, Severus rolled his eyes in Potter’s direction.

“I think I’ve seen enough today,” Dolores said hastily, her stubby fingers swiping at her neck now. “You’ll receive your results in ten days Severus.”

“I can hardly wait,” Severus responded with all the enthusiasm he could muster.

The class watched with unmasked amusement as Dolores stalked to the door and turned to address him one last time.

“I’m putting together a group of students,” she said, her voice purposefully clear as she obviously intended for the children to hear, “for a special assignment. It’s a chance for the students to assist in enforcing the rules around the school. If you have anyone you’d like to recommend—“ her beady eyes flicked to Potter, “— do let me know Severus.”

“Certainly.”

Severus waited until the door closed behind her before sitting in his chair and pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I would be most displeased if any of my students who should be focused on their OWLS were to join such an insipid group,” he said wearily, not even minding that he was sharing his advice with the Gryffindor students. “Is that understood?”

“Like any of us would join her little group,” Potter snorted to general murmured agreements. “She’s mad.”

Severus glared half-heartedly at Potter. He would hardly mention it in front of the other students, but Dolores was only here thanks to Potter’s manipulations within the ministry...

... and likely due to the fact he had personally frightened away any other defense applicants with his treatment of the prior professors.

Brat.



With his ‘inspection’ now complete, and a mere week until the holiday break, Severus naively believed that perhaps he could reach the new year without any further upsets.

Which is why the universe decided to throw what was perhaps the most shocking upset his way on Friday morning at breakfast. By the time Severus made it to his seat, having been temporarily distracted by the sudden disappearance of Nymphadora from her usual post in his corridor, the Great Hall was buzzing with shock.

“What have I missed?” Severus asked Minerva immediately.

“Here.” Minerva’s face was pinched and drawn with worry as she gave him her paper. “Look.”

Severus looked down at the Daily Prophet and Nymphadora’s abrupt departure from their morning routine was explained by the headline:

MASS AZKABAN BREAKOUT!
Dark Lord Barty breaks out Death Eaters!

Severus read with horror as Skeeter described the three newly released inmates.

Bellatrix Lestrange.

Antonin Dolohov.

Augustus Rookwood.

Severus did not bother to hide his revulsion at their escape. Bellatrix and her husband were quite mad before their incarceration, he cannot imagine that fourteen years in Azkaban softened that madness any.

He also felt a spasm of true fear as the mastermind behind the breakout was credited to Barty. The Dark Lord was not going to be pleased to have his work accredited to one of his followers.

Thank Merlin Barty was secure within Spinner’s End...

Barty would be twice as secure come Wednesday when he relocates to Invisibility Way with the others for the holiday. Severus wondered if he could convince him to make it a permanent residence; Potter’s purchase of the safe house no longer seemed such a foolish purchase.

Severus unconsciously looked toward Potter, who had his head bent and was speaking solemnly with his misfits. Longbottom, in particular, looked terribly pale and angry, as was to be expected, but he was hardly Severus’ concern.

It was perhaps selfish, to only be concerned with Potter’s welfare, but Severus had no time to be magnanimous as he considered the level of rage the Dark Lord would feel at this slight by the news. He had never despised the connection between Potter and the Dark Lord more as he worried over who was likely a top contender to be a target for that rage...

Do not let the child be caught in the fallout...

Chapter End Notes

Up Next: Welcome to the first ever session of couples counseling— where Harry would never, ever, ever, be if it weren’t for Fred.