Jaye > Jaye's Quotes

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#1

“A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

tags: codependency

24 likes

#2

“Because empaths can see the world through their partner’s point of view, they frequently tend to completely mesh with the viewpoints of their abusers. So when an empath is told that he or she is uncaring from a narcissistic partner, the empath will genuinely feel as though they are a horrible person due to the fact that they can feel and embody the emotions of their partners.”
― Aletheia Luna, Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing

tags: boundaries, codependency, empath, empaths, highly-sensitive-people, intuition, sensitivity, victim-perpetrators

14 likes

#3

“It wasn't so much about breaking free of him, as it was about breaking free of me.”
― Grace W. Wroldson, So You Love an... Alcoholic?: Lessons for a Codependent

tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, codependency, codependent, grace-w-wroldson, grace-wroldson, love-addiction, program, recovery, twelve-steps

4 likes

#4

“One particularly harmful idea carried by our cultural narrative is that you need to find someone who will love you. Imagine if we believed this about any other basic need: food, water, oxygen. If you needed another person to provide you with those, you’d be considered dependent—if not disabled. Yet we so willingly put ourselves in this state with love.”
― Vironika Tugaleva, The Art of Talking to Yourself

tags: codependency, codependency-quotes, culture, dependency, love, love-quotes, relationships, relationships-quotes

8 likes

#5

“Reactionaries...just feeling urgent and compulsive is enough to hurt us. Someone does something, so we must do something back Someone says something, so we must say something back. Someone feels a certain way, so we must feel a certain way. WE JUMP INTO THE FIRST FEELING THAT COMES OUR WAY AND THEN WALLOW IT.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

tags: codependency

5 likes

#6

“Resist trying to be what other people want you to be. Anyone in your life who tries to change you is really saying: as I can't control myself I will try and control you. By the same token, don't attempt to control other people's behaviour - it's not your place.”
― David Stafford, Codependency: How to break free and live your own life

tags: codependency

6 likes

#7

“We will martyr ourselves, suffering under the weight of a non-reciprocal relationship until some part of us bursts in protest. Suddenly, we lose our mind, and allowing ourselves to heap all manner of nastiness, name calling, patronizing, death threats on the “deserving” jerk who has it coming after all we do for him/her! As the final insult rings across the room and we regain consciousness, we are horrified by what has come out of our mouth. After all, we LOVE these people, and we quickly move into anxious terror that this time we have gone too far . . . this time we crossed the line and they will leave us. So, we hunker back down and the martyrdom begins again. It’s a terrible cycle.”
― Mary Crocker Cook, Awakening Hope. A Developmental, Behavioral, Biological Approach to Codependency Treatment.

tags: anxiety, attachment, codependency, martyrdom, protest, rage, relationships

7 likes

#8

“Anxiously attached Codependents demonstrate the ability to maximize the attention they get from their partner, regardless of whether it is positive or negative (i.e., "I'd rather be screamed at than ignored"). Manipulation is used to keep the inattentive or inconsistent partner involved by alternating dramatic angry demands with needy dependence. When the partner is preoccupied and not paying attention, the anxious Codependent explodes in angry demands and behaviors that cannot be ignored.”
― Mary Crocker Cook, Awakening Hope. A Developmental, Behavioral, Biological Approach to Codependency Treatment.

tags: anxiety, attachment, attention-seeking, codependency, manipulation

4 likes

#9

“Avoiding awareness of our own reality is often an attempt to deny thoughts, desires, or intentions that we feel will threaten or contradict the needs of those with whom we feel strong attachment. We instinctively hide feelings and thoughts we assume would be threatening to other people, and might cause them to leave us. . . People who learned early in life to adapt to parental needs to an extent that we were unable to focus on our own developmental tasks and needs will often continue to play out this working mode” of conditional attachment. “You will attach to me as long as I meet your needs.”
― Mary Crocker Cook, Afraid to Let Go. For Parents of Adult Addicts and Alcoholics

tags: attachment, awareness, codependency, intentions, parenting, trust

6 likes

#10

“With intimacy comes the possibility of “engulfment” or being taken hostage by the demands of others. We may have distorted perceptions of the “demands” and obligations placed upon us by those who claim to love us. Trusting that love to be unconditional is almost impossible for us, and we are always scanning for the unstated “subtext” or hidden “agenda” connected to this love.”
― Mary Crocker Cook, Awakening Hope. A Developmental, Behavioral, Biological Approach to Codependency Treatment.

tags: agenda, codependency, engulfment, intimacy, trust

3 likes

#11

“When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you.”
― Leslie Vernick, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It

tags: codependency, emotional-abuse, emotional-intelligence, love, relationships

47 likes

#12

“Realize that narcissists have an addiction disorder. They are strongly addicted to feeling significant. Like any addict they will do whatever it takes to get this feeling often. That is why they are manipulative and future fakers. They promise change, but can't deliver if it interferes with their addiction. That is why they secure back up supply.”
― Shannon L. Alder

tags: addict, disordered-thinking, narcissism, narcissistic-abuse, narcissistic-love, targets

47 likes

#13

“Narcissistic Supply

You get discarded as supply for one of two reason: They find you too outspoken about their abuse. They prefer someone that will keep stroking their ego and remain their silent doormat. Or, they found new narcissistic supply. Either way, you can count on the fact that they planned your devaluation phase and smear campaign in advance, so they could get one more ego stroke with your reaction. Narcissists are angry, spiteful takers that don't have empathy, remorse or conscience. They are incapable of unconditional love. Love to them is giving only when it serves them. They gaslight their victims by minimizing the trauma they have caused by blaming others or stating you are too sensitive. They never feel responsible or will admit to what they did to you. They have disordered thinking that is concerned with their needs and ego. It is not uncommon for them to hack their targets, in order to gain information about them. They enjoy mind games and control. This is their dopamine high. The sooner you distance yourself the healthier you will become. Narcissism can't be cured or prayed away. It is a mental disorder that turns the victims of its abuse into mental patients because it causes so much psychological manipulation.”
― Shannon L. Alder

tags: drummers, hackers, loser, narcissistic-abuse

27 likes

#14

“An emotionally abusive relationship, in very simplistic terms, is much like standing up in a too hot bath and sinking back in so as not to feel so dizzy.”
― Jackie Haze, Borderless

tags: abuse, abusive-relationships, confusion, emotional-abuse, grief, healing, heartbreak, life, loss, love, narcissistic-abuse, npd, relationships, trauma

10 likes

#15

“But both the narcissist and his partner do not really consider each other. Trapped in the moves of an all-consuming dance macabre, they follow the motions morbidly - semiconscious, desensitized, exhausted, and concerned only with survival.”
― Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited

tags: narcissism, narcissistic-abuse

23 likes

#16

“Many of us have this view of ourselves being "captains of our ships", and just like the old adage, "the captain goes down with his ship"; we sit on our adamant moral high horses and would rather go down with our ships than let go of something to give it, and ourselves, a chance at something better. But I'm a mermaid. We don't go down with ships. We don't try to conquer the ocean; we swim and flow with the waves. We sink the ships that need to be sunk and we save the people that need to be saved.”
― C. JoyBell C.

tags: captains, inspirational-attitude, letting-go, life-lessons, life-quotes-and-sayings, mermaid-quotes, mermaids, surrendering, toxic-relationships, wisdom-inspirational

8 likes

#17

“The moments of silence are gone. We run from them into the rush of unimportant things, so filled is the quiet with the painful whispers of all that goes unspoken. Busy-ness is our drug of choice, numbing our minds just enough to keep us from dwelling on all that we fear we can’t change. A compilation of coping mechanisms, we have become our fatigue. Unwilling or unable to cut ourselves free of this modern machine we have built, we’re dragged in its wake all too quickly toward our end. The virtue of a society’s culture is reflected in the physical, mental, and emotional health of its people. The time has come to part ways with all that is toxic, and preserve our quality of life.”
― L.M. Browning, Seasons of Contemplation: A Book of Midnight Meditations

tags: burnout, coping-mechanism, digital-culture, fatigue, mindfulness, toxic-relationships

18 likes

#18

“The people in your life will either help you shake hands with yourself or they’ll teach you what you don’t want. Everyone, eventually, does one or the other. All pain transforms to learning. All love transforms to self-awareness.”
― Vironika Tugaleva

tags: healthy-relationships, learning, love, relationships, self-awareness, toxic-relationships

11 likes

#19

“An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

tags: abuse, abused-women, abuser, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-relationship, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, physical-abuse

267 likes

#20

“Women may come to the recovery process to "fix" their relationships, but what they end up learning is how to rescue and restore themselves. Many women believe, and you may too, that they need to speak and act differently so their partner behaves more favorably toward them. If your partner blames you for what "you made him do to you," over time you will end up blaming yourself. Your task is to realize that you are not responsible for his abusive behavior. Women tend to work hard to avoid being hurt or to seop their partners from abusing them, but they aren't successful. You cannot make your partner abuse you and you can't make him not abuse you. These are his choices and his alone. The task is to refocus on yourself and your recovery.”
― Carol A Lambert, Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner

tags: abuse, abusive-relationships, anger-management, emotional-abuse, physical-abuse, spouse-abuse

8 likes

#21

“If you alter your behaviour because you are frightened of how your partner will react, you are being abused.”
― Sandra Horley

tags: controlling-parents, controlling-partner, controlling-people, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, gaslighting, psychological-abuse

26 likes

#22

“Some individuals have what can be considered to be an ‘abusive personality.’ Although they can be somewhat charming at times and sometimes manage to put on a false front in public when it is absolutely necessary, their basic personality is characterized by:
1. A need to dominate and control others
2. A tendency to blame others for all their problems and to take all their frustrations out on other people.
3. Verbal abuse
4. Frequent emotional and sometimes physical outbursts, and
5. An overwhelming need to retaliate and hurt other for real and imagined slights or affronts
They insist on being ‘respected’ while giving no respect to others. Their needs are paramount, and they show a blatant disregard for the needs and feelings of others.
These people wreak havoc with the lives of nearly every person they come in contact with. They verbally abuse their coworkers or employees, they are insulting and obnoxious to service people, they constantly blame others when something goes wrong. When this type of person becomes intimately involved with a partner, there is absolutely nothing that partner can do to prevent abuse from occurring. Their only hope is to get as far away from the person as possible.”
― Beverly Engel The Emotionally Abusive Relationship How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

tags: abused-women, abusive-relationship, emotional-abuse, love, physical-abuse, relationship-quites, verbal-abuse

10 likes

#23

“Your own story matters. It's either a victor's journey or victim's lament. The decision is in your hands.”
― Patricia Dsouza, When Roses are Crushed

tags: abuse, child-abuse, emotional-abuse, guilt, healing, sexual-abuse, survivor, victim

2 likes

#24

“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

tags: abuse, abused-women, abuser, abusers, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, abusive-relationships, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse, physical-abuse, psychological-abuse

116 likes

#25

“Mind control is built on lies and manipulation of attachment needs.”
― Valerie Sinason, Healing the Unimaginable: Treating Ritual Abuse and Mind Control

tags: attachment, deprivation-of-rights, dissociative-identity-disorder, lies, manipulation, mind-control, operant-conditioning, ritual-abuse, torture, trauma-bonding

71 likes

#26

“To make matters worse, everyone she talks to has a different opinion about the nature of his problem and what she should do about it. Her clergyperson may tell her, “Love heals all difficulties. Give him your heart fully, and he will find the spirit of God.” Her therapist speaks a different language, saying, “He triggers strong reactions in you because he reminds you of your father, and you set things off in him because of his relationship with his mother. You each need to work on not pushing each other’s buttons.” A recovering alcoholic friend tells her, “He’s a rage addict. He controls you because he is terrified of his own fears. You need to get him into a twelve-step program.” Her brother may say to her, “He’s a good guy. I know he loses his temper with you sometimes—he does have a short fuse—but you’re no prize yourself with that mouth of yours. You two need to work it out, for the good of the children.” And then, to crown her increasing confusion, she may hear from her mother, or her child’s schoolteacher, or her best friend: “He’s mean and crazy, and he’ll never change. All he wants is to hurt you. Leave him now before he does something even worse.” All of these people are trying to help, and they are all talking about the same abuser. But he looks different from each angle of view.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

tags: abuse, abused-women, abusive-men, abusive-partner, abusive-partners, abusive-relationship, abusive-relationships, advice, domestic-abuse, domestic-violence, emotional-abuse, mental-abuse, psychological-abuse, psychotherapy

68 likes

#27

“The fact of the matter is, if you haven’t been in an abusive relationship, you don’t really know what the experience is like. Furthermore, it’s quite hard to predict what you would do in the same situation. I find that the people most vocal about what they would’ve done in the same situation often have no clue what they are talking about – they have never been in the same situation themselves.
By invalidating the survivor’s experience, these people are defending an image of themselves that they identify with strength, not realizing that abuse survivors are often the strongest individuals out there. They’ve been belittled, criticized, demeaned, devalued, and yet they’ve still survived. The judgmental ones often have little to no life experience regarding these situations, yet they feel quite comfortable silencing the voices of people who’ve actually been there.”
― Shahida Arabi, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

tags: abuse, domestic-abuse, emotional-abuse, narcissism, verbal-abuse

50 likes

#28

“When basic human needs are ignored, rejected, or invalidated by those in roles and positions to appropriately meet them; when the means by which these needs have been previously met are no longer available: and when prior abuse has already left one vulnerable for being exploited further, the stage is set for the possibility these needs will be prostituted. This situation places a survivor who has unmet needs in an incredible dilemma. She can either do without or seek the satisfaction of mobilized needs through some "illegitimate" source that leaves her increasingly divided from herself and ostracized from others.

While meeting needs in this way resolves the immediate existential experience of deprivation and abandonment. it produces numerous other difﬁculties. These include experiencing oneself as “bad” or "weak" for having such strong needs; experiencing shame and guilt for relying on “illegitimate” sources of satisfaction: experiencing a loss of self-respect for indulging in activities contrary to personal moral standards of conduct; risking the displeasure and misunderstanding of others important to her; and opening oneself to the continued abuse and victimization of perpetrators who are all too willing to selﬁshly use others for their own pleasure and purposes under the guise of being 'helpful.”
― J. Jeffrey Means

tags: abandoned, abandonment, abuse, abuse-of-authority, abuse-of-power, basic-needs, child-abuse, deprivation, deprived, emotional-abuse, emotional-neglect, evil, exploit, exploitation, guilt, guilty-conscience, humanity, invalidation, manipulation, needs, neglect, ostracism, prostitution, shame, survivor, victim, victimization, vulnerability, weakness

46 likes

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