Amy Christensen’s Reviews > Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience > Status Update

We have to belong to ourselves as much as we need to belong to others - quote

Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs: Physiological, Safety, Love/Belonging, Esteem, Self-Actualization. Personal Note: Benightedness, Joy/Trust, Anger, Sadness, Bravery

Quote: I can be myself when I know that I’m with people who recognize the inextricable, unnameable, spiritual connection that is shared humanity, because belonging is not in jeopardy

True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are

Our yearning for belonging is so hardwired that we often try to acquire it by any means possible, including trying to fit in and hustling for approval and acceptance. Not only are these efforts hollow substitutes for belonging, but they are the greatest barriers to belonging. Personal Note: I instantly thought of multi-level marketing cults with their hustle culture

Because we can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance

We can never truly belong if we betray ourselves, our ideals, or our values in the process. That’s why it’s a mistake to think that belonging is passive and simply about joining or “going along” with others.

For many tweens and teens, belonging or not belonging feels like life or death

Barney Glaser and Anselm Strauss developed Grounded Theory in 1967…

Relational-Cultural Theory

Relational-Cultural Theory: (Quote) Here was. A theory that was also built from lived experience and, as Maureen Walker described it, “depicted culture as more than the scenic backdrop for the unfold of development; rather, culture is viewed as an active agent in relational processes that shape human possibility.” The RCT theorist

(Continued from previous) Judith Jordan writes, “The need for connection in which. Growth is a priority is the core motivation in which growth is a priority is the core motivation in people’s lives. In growth-fostering relationships, people are able to bring themselves most fully and authentically into connection.”

RCT sees disconnection as normative and inevitable in relationships; they occur when one person misunderstands, invalidates, excludes, humiliates, or injures the other person in some way.

[Trisha Raque-Bogdan] writes, “To avoid the pain and vulnerability that may result when their efforts to achieve connection are unsuccessful, individuals may enact their own disconnection strategies, such as hiding parts of themselves or discounting their need for others. They may learn that it is safer to keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves, rather than sharing them in their relationships.” This means that rather than making a bid for connection and having the bid ignored or rejected, we hide or pretend we don’t need anyone.

The second watch-out is about perfectionism. There’s actually a “perfection social disconnection model,” and this research shows that people who are high on the perfectionist traits scale behave in ways that cause perceived and actual exclusion/rejection by others

3 types of insecurity:
1. Domain-Specific insecurity occurs when we are insecure about a specific domain or resource in life, for example, food, financial, or lack of physical safety.
2. Relationship or Interpersonal insecurity occurs when we don’t feel we have a supportive and trusting relationship. It can happen either in a specific relationship or as an overarching feeling about all of our relationships. It makes us feel uncertain about being loved, trusted, protected, and valued.
3. General or personal insecurity occurs when we are overly critical of our weaknesses

[Research findings found] that people who are more secure are more willing to be vulnerable with others…findings suggest that if we are comfortable with our own weaknesses (in other words, if we are self-secure) we are more successful at being emotionally close to others and more likely to have healthy relationships.

At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction - an intimate relationship, friendships, family gatherings, or even community or work group connections

It is important to note that loneliness and being alone are very different things. Being alone or inhabiting solitude can be a powerful and healing thing.

Denying you feel lonely makes no more sense than denying that you feel hungry - John Cacioppo

[John] Cacioppo believes much of the stigma around loneliness comes from how we have defined it and talked about it for years. We used to define LONELINESS as a “gnawing, chronic disease without redeeming features.”
…
Cacioppo explains that loneliness is not just a sad condition - it’s a dangerous one.