ari’s Reviews > The Iliad > Status Update

— Back at the camp, Achilles and the Myrmidons still grieve for Patroclus, “Wet was the sand and wet their arms and armour with tears because they missed their friend so much, the router of their enemies. Achilles, son of Peleus, began to lead the lamentation as he laid his murderous and upon his comrades heart. “Patroclus! Even in the house of Hades, greetings. Be well, my friend. I am already fulfilling all the things I swore to you. I promised to drag Hector here and give him to dogs to share among themselves as meat. I swore to take twelve lovely Trojan children and slit their throats about your funeral pyre, because I am so angry at your dead.” With this, Achilles did degrading things to noble Hector—stretching him face-down upon the dust beside the funeral bier on which the son of lord Menoetius lay. They then all eat, including Achilles who’s finally able to stomach it.
— Achilles stubborn ass is reluctantly led to Agamemnon’s hut where they speak of a final goodbye before the troops go back to work, still caked in blood and refusing to bathe, “It is not right for me to wash my head until I place Patroclus on his Pyre and build a mount for him and cut my hair. No grief like this will ever touch my heart as long as I am still among the living. For now, we must endure this hateful feast.”
— While the others went to rest in their huts, Achilles sat on the beach until he fell asleep and woke up to the image of Patroclus begging to be put to rest. “then the shade of poor Patroclus came, looking just like him, with his lovely eyes, his height, his voice, clothes like the ones he wore. The spirit stood above his head and said, ‘Are you asleep? Have you forgotten me, Achilles? When I was alive, you never failed to take care of me—but not in death. Please hurry, bury me and let me pass the gates of hades. I am all alone. (…) I wander, lost and aimless, through the halls of Hades where the gates are always open. Give me your hand, Achilles, please, I beg you! Never shall I come back from Hades’ house after you grant me my due share of fire. Never again will we sit down together alive, apart from all our dead companions, and form our plans together. Hateful doom, the lot that I have had since I was born, has opened wide to swallow me at last. Godlike Achilles, even you are fated to die beneath the wealthy Trojans’ wall. And I have something else to ask of you, if you will listen. Do not put my bones apart from yours, Achilles, but together, as we were raised together in your house. (…)’ Swift-footed Lord Achilles answered, saying, ‘My darling friend, why did you come to me? Why did you tell me all these things? I will do everything exactly as you said. But please, come nearer and stand next to me, and let us put our arms around each other, just for a little while, and have the joy of grief and lamentation.’ With these words, he reached his hands to him but could not grasp him. The spirit vanished underneath the earth like smoke, with just a little squeaking cry. Achilles was astonished and jumped up and clapped his hands and shouted out in sorrow, “So there are shades and spirits down in Hades! And yet they have no substance, not at all. (…)”
— They gather wood for the funeral pyre and all cut their hair for Patroclus, blanketing his corpse with it. Achilles cries out to the River Spercheus as he cut his hair, “Spercheus, this is not what my father, Peleus, once asked you for. He wanted me to come back home again. He promised I would cut my hair for you, and dedicate a holy hecatomb, and slaughter fifty uncastrated rams beside your waters in the place your holy sanctuary and fragrant altar. These were the cows that my old father made but you did not fulfill his wish for him, and I will never go back home again. So I would like to dedicate my hair to noble Lord Patroclus to take with him.” All of the leaders stay to mourn as the troops disperse and make a bunch of sacrifices, including 12 Trojan boys. “His heart was contemplating wicked things.” (Patroclus had a lot of dogs wow) The pyre refused to light so he called upon the north and west winds to come and light it while he “grieved as he was burning the bones of his companion. He was pacing around the funeral pyre with sad, slow steps, sobbing and crying inconsolably.”
— As much as Achilles threatened Hector’s body was for the dogs, not the fire, Aphrodite and Apollo kept his body untouched from damage, rot, and the sun.
— Achilles holds what is basically the olympics in Patroclus’ name with a bunch of prizes up for grabs.
— Eumelus, Diomedes, Menelaus, Antilocus (whose horses are so slow that his dad, Nester, had to coach him what to do LOL), and Meriones step up to race.
— Diomedes got screwed over by Apollo then immediately had Athena cheating for him and knocking Eumelus off the track all the while Antilocus threatens his horses, saying they’ll be slaughtered if they win a lesser prize LOL ???? His reckless driving has Menelaus falling behind, “Antilocus! You are the worst! Reckless endangerment! Curse you! The Greeks are wrong to call you smart! But you will win no prize without an oath about your conduct!” LMFAOOO
— Diomedes comes first, Antilocus second with Menelaus close behind, then Menelaus who sucked ass the whole time, and finally Eumelus who had to drag his chariot and horses back on foot. Achilles feels bad for Eumelus and suggests they give him the prize for second place but this just pisses Antilocus who actually got second. Achilles is pleased with Antilocus raging at him lol and gives Eumelus a prize from his own hut like Antilocus said he should.
— Menelaus is ALSO pissed off, but at Antilocus, and says he should swear an oath that he did not impede his chariot on purpose. Antilocus is like “i am so young and immature… accept my other offering and forgive me for being your subordinate…” T_T
— Skillful boxer Epeus stands up to challenge the others to boxing, really wanting that mule too I guess. Nobody wanted to box him but Euryalus. Epeus wins, sorry Diomedes…
— Then there’s wrestling, which Telamonian Ajax and Odysseus stand up for. It ends in a stalemate.
— Achilles gives out a bowl belonging to Patroclus as the first place prize for the foot race. Oilean Ajax, Odysseus, and Antilocus all line up to race. Odysseus also cheats via Athena, who also trips Ajax and sends him falling into shit. T_T
— Finally, a duel between Telemon Ajax and Diomedes for a fancy sword and feast from Achilles. The Greeks got scared for Ajax after Diomedes was close to slicing his throat and made them stop and share the prize between them.
— They throw stuff then do a game of archery between Meriones and Teucer. Teucer shoots the arrow but forgot to give anything to Apollo so he fucks up, then Meriones, who did vow a hecatomb of newborn lambs to Apollo, hit the dove dead on and won.
— Agamemnon and Meriones competed in javelin throwing but Achilles preemptively gives the prize to Agamemnon