Humor Quote Quotes

“A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.”
― Ryan Lilly

“It's bacon. How can anything in the world seem bleak when one is eating bacon?”
― Julia Quinn, The Girl with the Make-Believe Husband

“What does God look like?'
'Don't ask me. God's God. He's everywhere. watching what we do, judging whether it's good or bad.
'Sounds like a soccer referee.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Get high on love, not drugs.”
― Matshona Dhliwayo

“This is just a normal day for you, isn't it?" Keefe asked... "Go to school, find out you're covered in a dangerous substance, melt off a few layers of skin, and then hail your bestie the Councillor, tell him you're ditching study hall to save the world, and he says, 'Cool, I'll come with you!”
― Shannon Messenger, Everblaze

“Ready?" she asked. Nina clutched the rope. "to be lowered to the heart of witch hunter power?" "This was your idea. We can still turn around." "Do not second-guess the sack of flour. The sack of flour is wise beyond her years.”
― Leigh Bardugo, Rule of Wolves

“An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers.”
― Matshona Dhliwayo

“I recently had my graphic novel SONORA PASS reviewed by KIRKUS.
My honest and humble opinion is that the reviewer assigned by KIRKUS should stick to reviewing PHONE BOOKS !”
― Jaime Olmos, Sonora Pass

“Humor is a tool to ease the harsh realities of life.”
― Ken Poirot

“What doesn't work is to worry harder. Gotta keep our faith in human incompetence. No matter how hard we try to screw things up, we're only human: good chance we'll screw up the screwing-up.
-From Bishop & Fuller's "Survival.”
― Conrad Bishop

“Ridge: Well, then, I guess that means we’re roommates.
Me: If we’re roommates, can you do me a favor?
Ridge: What’s that?
Me: If I ever start dating again, don’t be like Tori and sleep with my boyfriend, okay?
Ridge: I can’t make any promises”
― Colleen Hoover, Maybe Someday

“The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.”
― Matshona Dhliwayo

“I've been in prison, you see. Only three weeks, and only on remand,but when you've had to play chess twice a day with a monosyllabic West Ham supporter, who has 'HATE' tattooed on one hand, and 'HATE' on the other - using a set missing six pawns, all the rooks and two of the bishops - you find yourself cherishing little things in life. Like not being in prison.”
― Hugh Laurie, The Gun Seller

“To be reborned many times over, you must unleash the power of inertia. But must you go out every time and reach for your highest potential?”
― C.C. Wyatt

“If you want God to laugh, tell Him you've found Him a wife.”
― Matshona Dhliwayo

“Madame Roseline m'a frappé avec une spatule à gaufre. Elle est extraordinaire.”
― Dabos Christelle

“I only choose women who choose poorly.”
― E. A. Barker

“Are you going to believe what you see or what I tell you?”
― John Wayne in McClintock

“Buddhists are fundamentally just lazy people who've mastered avoidance—avoid Buddhists”
― Daily Florence, Grace - A Funny Book For Women

“The funny thing about losing our sense of humor is that to find it we have to be able to laugh at why we lost it.”
― Anthony P. Mauro, Sr

“His type of humor wasn't the rapid-fire, my-eyes-are-darting-all over the map, spewing-out-quips-at-the-speed-of-light sort of thing. It was a very gentle, laid-back ability to appreciate the ironies of life.”
― Dan Salerno, 20 Short Ones: 20 Tales of Hope

“Try not taking this life so seriously...
None of us get out alive”
― G. Visco

“Por um momento, ela se perguntou se ter uma seguradora de carros poderia mesmo dar algum lucro. Provavelmente, sim, a menos que tenham Samanta ou George como clientes.”
― Victoria Guimarães, De Malas Prontas

“Only I know how to fly on my wings.”
― Julia Logoss

“Ik heb het grootste deel van m'n leven in het onderwijs gezeten... ik was een bijzonder trage leerling.”
― Herman Finkers

“Just imagine not being able to hit the delete key."
I wish i could hit the frigging delete key. That way, I could delete you, I curse silently.”
― Alexandra Potter, Me and Mr. Darcy

“Telegram@bestsupplies1 Buy Cocaine online in Queensland”
― Stanley Appelbaum, Great Drawings and Illustrations from Punch, 1841-1901

“Telegram@bestsupplies1 Buy Cocaine online in Almería”
― Bella Matthews, Caged

“Everything you are about to read is subjectively true.

Objectively, it’s probably not, but truth is entirely subjective and that is my objective opinion.”
― Thomas Sinkinson, The Man Who Hired A Wizard

“The only thing a dragon slayer ever killed is a myth.”
― Adam Strangelove